The official Milo Hamilton Drinking Game

For those of you who don't know, Milo Hamilton is the geriatric voice of the Astros. He's been broadcasting for 62 (or 64, I forget) years, and he'll be glad to tell you all about it. Milo is best known for calling Hank Aaron's 715th home run (he was working for the Braves at that point--duh), but Milo loves him some Milo. He is of the firm belief that he's still the most entertaining dude on the radio, even if some other folks may feel he's slipped just a bit (read: he's senile).

In any event, here is the drinking game that will leave you quite hammered when Milo's being Milo.

Single person sips when Milo:

• Refers to the other team as "they," as opposed to their real name;
• Refers to one of the Astros by their first name;
• Refers to the Astros as a whole as "we" or "us";
• Refers to Roy Oswalt as "Roy-O"
• Adds an "ie" to the name of a player (for example, "Miggie")
• Calls out the Landry's Crawford Boxes

Everyone sips when Milo:

• Invokes "Baggy" or "Bidge";
• Makes a spot ad for a sponsor out to be entirely too exciting;
• Says something condescending to Brett Dolan or Dave Raymond;
• Tries to make a nickname out of a nickname (i.e. "Pudgeie");
• Talks about how wonderful Drayton McLane is;
• Goes off on a tangent about something and misses multiple pitches;
• Calls out the Blue Star Groups--EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM;
• Calls out the HEB sign in right field
  

One person chugs when Milo:

• Refers to Jeff Bagwell as "Jeffery Robert Bagwell";
• Discusses "Milo Hamilton Way", the street named after him outside Minute Maid Park;
• Compares a current ballpark to one torn down before Kennedy was president;
• Gets made fun of by Dave or Brett and he doesn't know it;
• Gives off a "WHOOOA!";
  
• Refers to Manager Cecil Cooper as "Coop" (note: this, if nothing else, will ensure your inebriation)

Everyone chugs when Milo:

• Lets loose with a "HOLY TOLEDO" (note: This includes commercials);
• Gives out a blue star for a good defensive play;
• Gives a shout out to non-existent people (like "Mitch Buchanan" and "C.J. Parker," which he did last year);
• Says something that can be construed as racist or sexist (more likely sexist);
• Gives a shout out to "Our Flagship, Newsradio 740, KTRH";
• DESCRIBES AN ENTIRE PLAY AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED (This is also a critical element in the Dave South drinking game)
  

My fearless predictions for Aggies in the NFL Draft

With the help of some scouting professionals, I've come up with my predictions on where the guys who get drafted will end up--so you can laugh at them and be assured that is the one place they WON'T go. But anyway, here it is:

Stephen McGee:

* McGee is currently rated, on most draft boards, as either the fourth or fifth best QB available (he flip-flops with SHSU's Rhett Bomar). That is a testament to two things: his potential (in the eyes of NFL folks) and the weakness of this year's quarterback crop. When you consider that three of the guys ahead of him(Matt Stafford, Mark Sanchez and Josh Freeman--who I predict will be a total bust when the Jets take him at 17) will likely be gone in the first 17 picks and things can really open up for McGee if someone gets desperate.

* WHEN HE'LL PROBABLY GO: 4th-7th rounds, more likely the 4th or 5th. I don't think he should go that high (I'd go 6th round), but, again, this is a weak draft. Who knows? He could end up in the third, but any higher and some GM should be canned.

* WHO MIGHT TAKE HIM: As always, quarterback is a premium position and there are teams with glaring needs. The thing is, McGee is far from ready to play immediately and would be best considered a prospect. This changes who might come after him. But how about these guys?

Dallas-This is where he wants to go. The Dallas Morning News wants him. Tom_99 gets wet in the undies thinking about him. A perfect fit, right? Well, maybe not. The only guy between McGee and the field if Tony Romo gets hurt is Brooks Bollinger. Is that comforting to Cowboy fan? Probably not. But, Jerry Jones seems to like the current arrangement and rumblings are that he could be a player in the 5th round.

New England-This, to me, makes more sense. You have Tom Brady (duh), a former 6th rounder, starting and Kevin O'Connell, a high pick last year, backing him up. This gives the Patriots time to groom McGee and get him to unlearn much of what he has learned.

Minnesota-Yes, they have the Rosencopter and yes, they have Tavaris Jackson. That arrangement will be the situation for one more year, until Jackson is released. Then it could be Sage and Steve. With a strong running game, this would be a good place for him to end up.

Indianapolis-Stephen McGee, successor to Peyton Manning. You knew it all along. Only Jim Sorgi would stand between McGee and destiny.

San Fransisco-This may seem a little odd, considering the 49ers need for a QB is IMMEDIATE. But Mike Singletary likes a low risk, run-first offense and may think McGee can manage the game for him.

Carolina-Jack Delhomme and then what? Josh McCown? That is scary enough for the Panthers to look for depth in the later rounds.

Houston-The Texans signed Dan Orlovsky to a three-year, big money deal to back up Matt Schaub, and that would work perfectly for McGee's schedule. First, Orlovskly's not going to last all three, in all likelihood, but he gives a buffer in case Schaub goes down. A fifth or sixth round pick on a QB makes sense for them.

AND MCGEE WILL BE: A Colt, with the 29th pick in the fifth round (165 overall). Peyton's getting long in the tooth and Jim Sorgi's nothing special, but they like him enough to keep him around as the insurance policy. The Colts have not selected a QB in a long while and don't see it as an immediate need, but it's time to look to the future.

Mike Goodson, running back: Yes, a running back. He will not be drafted as a receiver (though he may transition to one later). Goodson sits between the 9th and 12th best RB on most teams' boards, though one team at least has pulled him off entirely due to attitude concerns. That, and his propensity to get hurt, will make him a second day pick. Teams interested in him are not looking for a starter; they're looking for a guy who can be a change of pace/third down back, catch the ball out of the backfield and return punts and kicks.

WHEN HE'LL GO: Fifth or sixth round. Could be as high as fourth, but I doubt it. Could end up a UFA, but I doubt that too.

WHO MAY BE INTERESTED:
Tampa Bay-They released Warrick Dunn and could use a change of pace for the more plodding Derrick Ward. But they could be ready to rely on Earnest Graham and Cadillac Williams, once he comes back.

San Fran-Singletary wants a changeup to Frank Gore, but the 49ers have so many other problems that taking one before the later rounds wouldn't make much sense. They also brought Goodson out for a visit early on and seemed to like him.

Arizona-Two things the Cards need is a running back to replace Edgerrin James and a wideout to replace Anquan Boldin, after they trade him. But they also lost J.J. Arrington and need a third-down back/returner. They could take two running backs in this draft, early and late. Goodson could be the late one.

Seattle--Maurice Morris is gone, leaving Julius Jones and T.J. Duckett. Their need is for more of a front-line guy, but more pressing matters may have them looking for a change of pace.

Buffalo-Marshawn Lynch will miss the first three games of the year, leaving them with Domanick Rhodes and not much else. Their short of speed and their best return man went to the Steelers.

AND GOODSON WILL BE: A 49er, with the 11th pick in the 6th round (184 overall). This is one spot higher than where Chris Harrington went last year.

Michael Bennett, defensive end:

* At the start of the offseason, there was some talk about Bennett maybe becoming a 3-4 outside linebacker. That talk has cooled and the focus is now on him being a 4-3 defensive end. The projections on Bennett vary--Mike Mayock has him highly rated, while other prognosticators and teams have him between 15th and 20th best defensive end. But, this is a need position for a lot of teams this year and there will be an early run on ends. This will help him out.

* WHEN HE WILL GO: I'm more optimistic with Bennett; I say 4th round. But he could go as late as the 7th, that's how wide the variety of opinions are on him.

* WHERE HE COULD GO:
Washington-The Redskins need a replacement for Jason Taylor. If they don't draft Orakpo, Maybin or one of the highly-rated DEs in the first round (read: they're idiots and go after Mark Sanchez), Bennett becomes a viable option for them later in the draft.

Carolina-The Panthers will need a replacement for Julius Peppers (who they will end up trading), but have more pressing needs at corner and defensive tackle. Take someone to fill those positions, maybe a safety and an offensive lineman and lo, they're in Bennett-land. He'd do well in John Fox's system.

Buffalo-The Bills need to get some semblance of production from their ends, as they ranked 28th in the league in sacks. But now they have other issues--finding a new left tackle, a new left guard, a backup to Trent Edwards (J.P. Losman is a goner) and maybe even another wideout. This could hold them up until later in the draft.

Chicago-their ends are getting old and replacments are needed. Again, not the most pressing of needs, which could have them waiting until the second day of the draft.

Houston-Newsflash: the Texans d-line, with the exception of Mario Williams, still sucks. If they intend to move Antonio Smith inside on passing or long down-and-distance situations, they're going to need someone to play the other end across from Mario that can rush the QB. And, for that matter, they need depth.

AND BENNETT WILL BE: A Houston Texan, with the 16th pick in the 5th round (152 overall). This is one pick behind where the Texans took Frank Okam last year, but I believe Bennett will prove to be the superior acquisition. It also sets up a hell of a smackfest at Christmas dinner.

John Kelly of the Washington Post is a worthless tool

"Woke up this morning
with an attitude
Took a look at the headlines
Put me in a real bad mood"--Don Henley, "I will not go quietly" (Note: if you listen closely, you can hear Axl Rose doing backing vocals)

One of the greatest things about Texas A&M University is its tradition. That tradition takes the form of many events: Bonfire, the Aggie Ring (and ring dunking!), Silver Taps, Midnight Yell and, of course, the 12th Man.

All of those pale in comparison to Aggie Muster, held ever April 21 in honor of those current and former students--Aggies all--who have passed away in the last year. It is a hallowed, honored event, so much so that Secretary of Defense Robert Gates returned to A&M Tuesday to serve as the guest speaker.

Muster, in a greater sense, is a symbol of all that is good in Texas and most of the United States. It shows the value of honor, loyalty and friendship; it shows the faith people have in a reward for a life well-lived and the promise of something good waiting beyond this earthly realm.

In other words, it's sufficiently threatening, reactionary and hokey for the Washington Post to rip it, which is exactly what "columnist" John Kelly has done on his blog. (Note: I was once a columnist, too, and I didn't exactly think comparing people to neanderthals was a pithy way to get a chuckle from my audience.)

For those of you unwilling to subject your computer to high levels of arrogance, disdain and elitism (and a horrible attempt to make himself out to look like a gumshoe, complete with the old school hat), I will excerpt from Kelly's screed:

Frequently during my brief stay at Texas A&M I've wondered to myself: Does anybody in the outside world know what's going on here?

This is not to suggest that College Station is cut off from the outside world. Television signals penetrate the perimeter. Newspapers are delivered. There are no roadblocks or checkpoints. My e-mail appears to get through.

And yet this is a place apart, a bubble so full of strange rituals that I sometimes feel moved to flee, to drive out of town, stop at the first house I see and bang on the door. "Oh thank god," I'd say, when the door was opened and I fell across its threshold. "Do you know what's going on back there? We've got to call for help."

You will see buzz-cut uniformed students in polished boots tucked into jodphurs. Spurs -- spurs! -- jingle as they walk.

Being on the A&M campus occasionally feels like being on the set of "300." This is Sparta.

Add in a few shots about A&M being conservative and--gasp!--Christian, and Johnboy is rolling. And he hasn't even gotten to Muster yet, when he really ratchets up the classless meter:

Muster basically works like this: Whenever two or more Aggies are within 100 miles on April 21 they are supposed to get together and remember those graduates who died the previous year. And so yesterday they gathered -- in some 325 places around the world, we were told. It's like something from the Bible.

(But, since the Bible is also vile and reactionary, Mr. Kelly decides to compare to "The Lottery," a short story by Shirley Jackson in which members of a village take part in a lottery to see whether they're going to be stoned to death. Other villages, the reader learns, have gotten rid of the lottery, but this town thinks that's stupid and the old (and, as we see, barbaric) ways are best.)

And that must be part of this ritual's purpose. Muster celebrates the departed -- "our fallen Aggies" in the language of Muster -- but it's also a memento mori: You too will die and when you do, your name will be read here, a candle lit in your honor. Your essence will join the ether and become part of the great Aggie spirit. I don't see this catching on at George Mason or Frostburg State.

Some students and faculty, I'm sure, scratch their heads at all the hocus-pocus...And I will say this: The Aggies put on a hell of a show.

Well, isn't that just special.

So let's recap: Arrogant northeast nitwit comes to College Station, freaks out at the site of the NAZI CORPS OF CADETS. Is AGHAST at CHRISTIAN SYMBOLOGY (more imagined than real), sniffs at the concept of honoring the lives of your friends and fellow man and decrees that the school and its traditions are too stupid and naive to survive in the more effete and intellectually secure Washington D.C. area.

Ok, since I know the Washington Post will never ever give me a place to rebut this fine honer of the alleged journalistic craft (even though I have won more AP awards than John Kelly), I will do so here.

I once lived in D.C. metro area, and I can tell you without equivocation that Muster would, indeed, never thrive at George Mason, Georgetown, American, Maryland-College Park of Frostburg State. And that's their loss. People at those universities, much like the people of D.C.--and certainly, the employees of a breathtakingly haughty newspaper--walk stiffly because they think the axis of the earth has been shoved up their backside. They are astoundingly arrogant, myopic in their views and uncaring about anything that does not directly affect them. Their cynicism, which they consider healthy, has devolved into a remarkable obsession and hatred of those who don't look like them, talk like them or think like them.

Armed with this attitude, they consider themselves "open minded". Mr. Kelly is a poster child for this group. But they are not "open minded"; to the contrary, they are foolish, intolerant bigots. Their groupthink reinforces their idiocy to the point where they think it's just great fun to insult those who think and act a little differently as a bunch of Crusading Neo-Nazis who think the earth is flat. And that includes their silly little traditions like Muster.

You know, the one where the Secretary of Defense read 22 names of young men and women who have died in the service of their country since 9/11/01. The one where a former President of the United States, his wife and 12,000 other people were moved to tears as friends, family and loved ones were remembered in a kind, solemn, special way.

In John Kelly's mind, every one of those people are untermench--inferior, subhuman creatures who need their mythological God and their silly little traditions to survive. They couldn't hang in John Kelly's world--the real world. It's not very different from the mindset slave owners like Thomas Jefferson had when referring to "the help."

Well, Mr. Kelly, let me tell you something: I've seen more of the world than you ever will and I can tell quite easily that my writing skills are on par (actually, quite superior) to yours. I have had conversations with several presidents of the United States and was very comfortable discussing global affairs with the current secretary of defense. I'll go out on a limb here and say that I'm a hell of a lot smarter than you.

I'm also an Aggie, and I'm far from the smartest Aggie I know.

I don't appreciate when two-bit twits who are too stupid to realize they're in a dying industry try to allude to my fellow Aggies being "Little Eichmanns" and the source of all that's wrong in the world today. Texas A&M is not in the Stone Age and College Station is not the primordial ooze. There's a lot more filth up at Foggy Bottom than there is in Aggieland.

You don't get A&M and you don't understand its traditions; I get that. What I don't get is how one can have both the vanity and the nerve to not only not try to understand where the people at A&M were coming from, but mock it and dismiss it out of hand. It's not good enough, is that it? Does it lack the intellectual gravitas you require? Is it....inferior?

I know that honor, dignity and respect are lost concepts on the east and west coasts. The idea that people would love a place and care enough about a human life to shed a tear for someone they haven't met is something that made a brief re-appearance after 9/11 but was quickly mocked and scorned back into hiding by members of the intelligencia--after all, it's stupid and foolish, right? Well, it's not considered that here. It's considered the right thing to do.

There are places in the world were things are still seen in black and white, not shades of gray tarred by arrogance, cynicism and disdain. One of those places is Aggieland. I guess that makes it a sufficient target for the high-minded scribes of The Post.

Honestly, I don't get how people like John Kelly get to be considered "elite." They're too easily offended by people of differing upbringings, people who have different values and think differently than they do. They're not interested in intelligent discourse or discussion; they're out to mock, scorn and annihilate those who don't meet their homogeneous, yet "diverse," view of society.

Way to keep those little people down, Johnboy. You missed a great opportunity to work with Bull Connor in Selma back in the day.

Oh, by the way--Gig 'em. You can screetch your violins now, doofus.

(Retired editor's note: Apparently Mr. Kelly was in College Station for a week, guest teaching a Journalism 490 class. This brings two questions to mind--is it really intelligent to criticize your host when you still have 72 hours left in town, and is it any wonder kids come out of J-School utterly screwed up?)

The Bible, Redneck-style

(This blog is a joint work by Momma Pug and The Aggie. We'd like to thank our Lord and Savior for the opportunity to compile it.)

"I'm comin' back for y'all, but ya ain't gonna know the day or hour, ya hear?"--Jesus

A couple of days ago, we were in an antique shop here in Pearland looking for buttons for Momma Pug's rag monsters when we ran across something interesting. It was a picture of Jesus, with a Bible verse below it. But what was striking was the painting of Christ--he wasn't kind and gentle-looking; he was stern and foreboding. He also looked an awful lot like Merle Haggard.

Both of us were kind of shocked. We thought, what the heck kind of house puts up a picture that puts up a picture of Jesus Christ that looks not unlike this:


Then we figured it out--it could only be in the home of a redneck. It is a household that has a Bible with characters looking like the following:

God, the Father, Ruler of Heaven and Earth:

The Blessed Virgin Mary:

Joseph, the worldly father of Jesus:

Mary Magdalene:

Satan, creator of all that is evil:

Adam and Eve, the first couple to inhabit Earth:

Abraham, the leader of the tribe of Israel:


Moses, who led his people out of the wilderness to the Holy Land:

John the Baptist, who came to make the way of the Lord:


The Three Wise Men:



The Good Shepherds:

The Blessed Apostles, also known as "Willie and Waylon and The Boys"

(yes, both of them)





(yes, all of them)

The Apostle Paul:

What does Heaven look like?
Like Branson, Missouri!

And hell?


Some of the people you'll see on the streets of Heaven include Stonewall Jackson, Reba McEntire, Ronald Reagan, Vince Gill, George Strait, Garth Brooks, Trisha Yearwood, George Jones and Tammy Wynette.

Now y'all praise the Lord.

10 guys you'd want with you in a bar fight

(Official disclaimer: This would only work in a half-real, half-fictional universe. If you kept it purely realistic, I'd take two Navy SEALS or a couple of guys from Delta Force and they'd clear the bar in 30 seconds. But that would make for a short blog.)

If you go into a bar, you should be looking for two things out of anyone you're with: good company and the ability to watch your back. There's always a chance, albeit small, that someone's going to have too much to drink and want to brawl. So, if you're gonna go drinking, bring the best with you. some people to consider:

10. Jaws (James Bond Frenemy)

Care to stop by for a...bite?

Why you'd want him with you: Well, let's see--he's seven feet tall and has steel teeth. He may not be much for conversation, but he'd literally bite the heads off of anyone who give you crap. And who needs a bottle opener?

9. Rocky Balboa, two-time heavyweight champion

Yo, yous wanna start somethin'?

Why you'd want him with you: Yo, when yous got Rock witchu, you know yous gonna get some good stories. And, he's a street fighter, you know what I'm sayin'? So he ain't afraid of knocking some punk on his ass in a bar, you know?

8. Capt. James T. Kirk, fearless leader/ladies man

So you say...you need a wingman?

Why him: Well, you know he can drink, even if his preference leans to Romulan Ale instead of, say, Shiner Bock. He know he's got some good stories to tell; after all, he's been around the universe. He also know he's a complete babe-magnet, so he'll get the girls to stop by. And, if someone gives you crap, he'll vaporize them.

7. Jack Bauer, government employee/timekeeper

See that? It says it's time for me to kick your ass.

Why him: Jack's a rather intense fellow, so he may not be a whole lot for conversation. But, if he's on your side and sees the need for it, someone's getting a severe can of whupass opened on them. He can also stop a bad situation before it starts if someone starts talking trash to you by simply screaming, "WE DON'T HAVE TIME!"

6. The Terminator, killer robot/politician

Not interested in talk. Not even about Caleforneeuh.

Why him: Well, he's probably not going to much for conversation and you know he's not going to drink, so that's a bit of a buzzkill. But he does a have few things going for him; for one, you know he's got bar fight experience and he can clear out a bar if you so much as nod at him (with the unfortunate possible side-effect of killing Sarah Connor).

5. Han Solo, smuggler/scoundrel/all around nice guy

Bring up A&M's offensive line again and I'll vaporize you. Got it?

Why him: Ok, you know he drinks. You know he attracts chicks (and 8-foot friends who tear off arms for fun). He's got some serious stories to tell, even if he probably doesn't like talking about giant slugs. And, most importantly, you know he'll blast someone who gives him crap in a bar. So, why not him?

4. John Wayne, a man who needs no introduction

Pilgrim, we're gonna have this drink here and you're gonna go away. You savvy?

Why him: In case you need an introduction, this is John Fing Wayne. The man likes a bar and likes a brawl. And he's John Wayne. As if you need another reason.

3. Bruce Lee, martial artist/occasional shirt-wearer

Talk to the hand, boy, or I'll say.....HEEEEAAH!

Why him: Perfect guy if you actually want to get in to a bar fight. At first glance, he's short and slender and wearing rather goofy stretchy pants (and maybe no shirt). Nobody would even think twice about picking one with you and this guy (if they didn't know who it was). But one insult, a few shrieks and a couple of spin kicks later, nobody's standing. Sweet.

2. Darth Vader, Sith Lord/asthmatic/rather grumpy fellow

If I could drink, homeboy here would be getting me a Schlitz.

Why him: Seems like a rather odd choice, right? He can't drink and he's not going to be much for pithy conversation--though his occasional one-liner might be highly quotable. But think about this: he's perfect as a space-clearer in a busy bar. If being seven feet tall and wearing a black outfit with a loud mechanical breathing apparatus doesn't get you enough room, he can just walk over and ask, "Want to hear how I killed a billion people?" That ought to do it. Now, let's say someone shows up late and drunk and wants a piece of you. Vader can just turn, look at him and say, "My friend doesn't want to hear about your Philadelphia Eagles. I don't either." Then you can watch that guy collapse as he chokes to death. (Note: it might be somewhat irritating if he just stands next to you, breathing and watching you drink all night. I'm just saying. If things are cool, send him to get nachos or something.)

1. Chuck Norris, legend

This look should be sufficient to kill you.

Why him: Because he's Chuck Norris.

Ben Matlock must not have been available

Harris County's courthouse is in the middle of downtown Houston. I've been there before (but I wasn't in trouble, so suck it), but I didn't see this guy, arrested today for bilking people (courtesy of my friends at ABC13):

"The man was apparently impersonating a lawyer and collecting cash from the people in the courthouse as he solicited them for cases. The 44-year-old man's real name is Perry Mason."

If Arnold Becker shows up to start taking divorce cases, the apocalypse truly is upon us.

Obama declares war on "Right-wing terror"

Well, Barack Obama wanted to change the tone from the Bush Administration, and he's certainly done it. We now have a government that will not refer to a "War on Terror" and will not refer to al Qaida as terrorists--now, they're just "extremists." On the other hand, Obama's nitwit head of the Department of Homeland Security--you know, the one who's supposed to keep us safe?--has found a new group of terrorists, right here in America!

It's the people who dare oppose our beloved president. (how typical.)

Even though the lefties loved to bitch and moan about how Bush was destroying the constitution with the DHS and the Patriot Act, nobody in his administration ever discussed "rouge left-wing elements" that might want to do harm to him, the government or the citizenry of this nation, even though we know they exist (Bill Ayers or ANSWER, anyone?). The reasoning was simple--there's no substantive proof that these groups pose a clear and present danger to the security of the United States, jackholes though they may be.

The same applies for right-wing groups now that the Dear Leader is president, but that's not stopping his lemmings from starting what can only be a politically-motivated attempt at isolation, ostracism and destruction.

Of course, the liberals will scream "Timothy McVeigh" at the top of their lungs in response. Touche'; but consider this:

"The DHS/Office of Intelligence and Analysis (I&A) has no specific information that domestic rightwing terrorists are currently planning acts of violence, but rightwing extremists may be gaining new recruits by playing on their fears about several emergent issues. The economic downturn and the election of the first African American president present unique drivers for rightwing radicalization and recruitment."

Oh, ok. So you really don't have anything to go on here except your own personal biases. That's pretty pathetic. Further, history shows that left-wing extremists are more likely to erupt into spates of violence during economic downturns, not right-wingers.

But that's not the point here; the point is that the DHS is trying the ultimate scare tactic against those their leaders are politically opposed to. Basically, those who don't like Obama's policies, increased taxation, his plans for government expansion into private industry or his possible attempts at expanding arms control limitations.

Those sound like "extremist" viewpoints to you? Does opposition to gay marriage, illegal immigration or the outsourcing of jobs sound "extremist"? All of these are issues the DHS claims are going to expand the ranks of the "right-wing extremists".

(In other words, the Republican Party.)

The Department of Homeland Security was started to prevent acts of foreign terror against the United States. In three months, the Dear Leader and Nitwit Napolitano have turned it into an internal political police force. This should not only be deemed repugnant by Americans, regardless of their political stripe, but frightening.

Well, liberals, you wanted a change from Bush--you got it. Now your political opponents, not foreign scum, are the targets of the federal government. Happy now?

A strange, abrupt way to face the concept of loss

To this point in my life, I've been very fortunate not to lose anyone I care about--certainly, not anybody young and in the prime of their life. My grandfather died when I was two, so I don't really remember him; my grandmother and other grandfather have passed away more recently, but I wasn't overly close to them so it didn't shake me much. In fact, the most I've ever grieved, I'd think, was for Martin, my dog, when he died two years ago. After all, it wasn't like I knew someone who had been cut down before their life had ever really gotten a chance to bloom.

That changed this afternoon. And, sadly, I'm 11 months late in finding out.

Since Momma Pug is over in Mississippi this weekend and I don't have a lot to do, I went with Tree and her baby girl up to the Brazos Valley to see the bluebonnets. Being from Louisiana, Tree hadn't seen them; being less than a year old, little bit hadn't had the chance. So we went, had a very nice time, and ended up in College Station so I could show her--poor, blessed soul that she is--Aggieland.

The trip ended up at my old hangout, Fitzwilly's, so we could grab a burger. The burger was good, as it always is, and just looking around brought back a lot of memories. A lot of them centered around an old Fitzwilly's bar tender, a cute, charming young lady I knew simply as Stephanie, or Steph.

It wasn't that Steph was someone I saw once or twice--I ran into her several times a week for the better part of four years. When I came back from Georgia, she came around the bar to give me a hug, even though my future wife was right there. She then turned to The Missus and told her that she had nothing to worry about (I found out why about an hour ago), that I was just a good friend.

Stephanie and I talked a lot about a little. When she was working, I always knew two things: she'd take the time to talk to me and my bar tab would be a LOT less than it should have been. We just clicked. But she clicked with a lot of people; she just had that vibe. She could make anyone smile. We'd talk about how she was doing with school, and she'd tell me that THIS was the year she'd graduate. She was Class of 2002, and she was still going to A&M in 2005, working her way through as she went. She eventually made it, as I also found out about an hour ago.

As we were sitting there, I noticed something on a post on the other side of the bar that caught my attention. It was a memorial for someone. It looked like a girl, but I couldn't tell. Something in my mind asked, "Could that be for Steph?" After all, I hadn't seen her in a couple of years, and she was ALWAYS there.

Nah, I thought. No way. She's moved on to something better. After all, she's still a kid!

As we were walking out the door, I stopped to look at the memorial. Inside a small wooden case with a glass front was a picture of a young lady and a beer bottle opener. I looked at the picture. Sure enough, that was Steph. Then I read the inscription: "Stephanie Waller Billings: April 29, 1980--May 26, 2008."

I went numb and felt like I needed to throw up. That, I thought, is NOT POSSIBLE. Stephanie cannot be gone. No freaking way.

She is. She has been for 11 months and I didn't know. I still don't know why or how, but it just seems incredibly unfair.

Everyone else I know gets this horrible experience when a young friend or relative dies. I get it when my old bartender passes away at 28. But Steph was a lot more than that; she was a real talent, someone who truly did give a hoot about more than your bar tab. I'm sure I'm not the only Aggie who was in College Station between 1996 and 2008 who would consider her some sort of friend.

So I'm sitting here trying to figure out my emotions, and I think I've got it down to this: I feel horrible for her friends, family and loved one and think her death is incredibly freaking unfair. She'd finally gotten her degree, gotten out from behind the bar and boom. Gone.

I know that one someone closer to me does go on, the pain and emotion will be far, far worse. But, sadly, I now have somewhat of an idea--a very small one--of what it'll feel like.

Rest in Peace, Steph. If we do see one another again, I'll get the first round.

And actually pay for it this time.

Barack Obama, the one-term rock star

When Barack Obama was running for president, I thought three things:

• His politics scare me;
• He's brilliant;
• He's a complete egomaniac.

Now, three months into his regime, I find that I have scratched the second assertion off the list. Instead, I find myself leaning towards labeling him a spineless dimwit (so much for that Ivy League education--feel free to come defend him, liberals who smeared Bush the same way for eight years). But his politics do scare me and he's proven himself to be a bigger egomaniac than I thought possible.

How so? I've never seen a guy put his interests ahead of his nation's to the extent this joker has. His desire to be universally adored has put the interests of this nation at dire risk.

I don't know what it is about the Dems, but they have developed a habit of running utter, blatant egomaniacs for president. I'm not talking recently, either; I'm talking about for the last century. Woodrow Wilson? Total egomaniac. FDR? The same. JFK thought he could do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted to and LBJ thought his stuff didn't stink. We all know Clinton wanted the whole world to fawn all over him, and Obama's even worse. The only one who probably doesn't get painted with this broad brush is Harry Truman, who may have been the most humble president in 150 years.

And no, I haven't forgotten modest little Jimmy Carter from smalltown Plains, Ga. From firsthand knowledge, I can tell you Jimmuh loves him some him. What a twit.

The Republicans, for their multitude of faults, haven't run egomaniacs (instead, they put cabinets and executive staffs together that are filled with them, which is no good either). From firsthand experience, I can assert that neither Bush is an egomaniac--41 ran for the presidency out of some kind of "duty"; 43 certainly is plenty confident, but not egomaniacal. He could be considered delusional, however, because he really does think God decided he needed to run for office. Anyway, that's neither here nor there. The issue at hand is the current egomaniac-in-chief.

Obama's desire to make himself loved has, in large part, come from denigrating the United States and our position in the world. Almost all of that has been in his continued attempt to denigrate George W. Bush and his administration. Ok, you won; you get to do that. But there are better, more diplomatic ways to establish a difference between your administration and the previous one than coming out and apologizing for crap the U.S. doesn't need to apologize for.

Obama thinks that, if he's personally liked, then everyone will get along with the United States. Bill Clinton thought the same thing. Well, Bill Clinton was adored overseas, and the U.S. got taken advantage of for eight solid stinking years. I don't mean in places like Kosovo or Bosnia; I mean places like Iran, Iraq and Libya, where our supposed European allies were smuggling equipment, supplies and weaponry to rouge regimes. Places like South America, where drug smuggling went unchecked, corruption reigned and neo-socialist movements gained strength. Or North Korea, which took the autographed Michael Jordan basketball and kept on with its nuke program. And, of course, there's Sudan and Afghanistan, which allowed Osama bin Laden to run around unchecked.

GWB did a lousy job coming in off the bat of not reasserting a strong American foreign policy; that changed after 9/11. The whole world changed then. Bush correctly noted that the protection of American citizens was his primary objective and he didn't care whose toes he stepped on to make sure they remained protected. The Euros hated him for it. Many Muslim nations despised him. Other nations feared him.

They all respected him.

Nobody respects Obama at this point. So far, he's shown, in his advanced state of mental superiority, that he's not out to upset anybody. He wants everyone to be happy (with him). He wants to apologize for our being rude and assertive. He wants to apologize to the Arabs for their misguided thoughts that we're at war with Islam (even though Bush basically jumped up and down for seven years saying the exact same thing).

All of these things are both stupid and unnecessary. In the geopolitical scheme of things, other countries get it when you do what you have to to protect yourself. They may not like it, but they sure as hell don't expect you to apologize for it. It's a different story if you're committing something like genocide, which we're certanly not.

But Obama's willingness to appease goes well beyond the current day. He wants to get rid of all nukes, a pie-in-the-sky idea originally pitched by Ronald Reagan (one I doubt he would endorse now, because of the people who now have nukes). In laying out his vision, he criticized the U.S. for using them to end World War II. He can criticize the dropping of the bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, but doesn't have the decency to go to Normandy and visit the U.S. cemetery there. You know, the one filled with the bodies of the men killed on D-Day.

He didn't want to upset the Germans. Hey, Barack, are you seriously trying to win over the NAZIS?

Who knows? He might be. He wants to be loved. He wants everyone to say, "Aww, he's so nice. He's so not Bush." He gets off on the adoration of the masses, as we knew from that speech he gave in Berlin as a candidate and his acceptance of the Democrat nomination at a football stadium. The fawning of the international community makes Obama feel good.

And, while he's sucking up the love and affection of people who don't vote for him, the people at home are hearing about how our nation sucks, how we've just been horrible to the whole world and have done nothing right. To boot, the Great Barry Apology Tour is happening while the economy continues to tank and his debt-anvil stimulus package fails to do a damned thing.

So, here you go, Barry: the Euros love you. They will now take advantage of you. The Arabs love you. They're already taking advantage of you. None of them get to vote for you. We, the people of the country you've been stepping on do. And you've rapidly squandered a lot of the good will you had when you came into office.

You've got a lot in common with Jimmy Carter, Barry. You have that desire to be adored, you negotiate from a position of weakness, a fondness for larger government and no real concept of economics. And you love you some you.

If you don't pull your head out, you'll also be gone in four, just like Carter.

Pro athletes you can feel good rooting for

A few months ago, I wrote a blog about Stephen McGee, the former quarterback at Texas A&M who will be taken in the NFL draft in a couple of weeks. I said he was someone worth rooting for. That's a rare thing these days, especially when it comes to professional sports. There are more than enough self-absorbed immature jerks--one of those jerks, Jay Cutler, has been the source of several posts on this blog. While Cutler whined and screamed his way out of Denver after he found out that the Broncos had had the nerve to consider trading for Matt Cassel, a guy who was bandied around in trade talks himself, Redskins quarterback Jason Campbell, took the news his team might be getting rid of him as motivation to get better. He could have griped and moaned like Cutler did, but to this point, he hasn't. That's classy.

Campbell's response to the Redskins' idiotically leaking that they were, indeed trying to move him (can that front office do anything right?) got me to thinking about classy pro athletes. Sadly, the likes of Cutler, Terrell Owens, Alex Roidriguez and Chad Ocho Cinco a far more prevalent--but there are still a few guys out there worth rooting for. Here are a handful of them that the missus and I were able to come up with, and we apologize if we left someone off:

• Shane Battier, forward, Houston Rockets: Even though he's a Duke guy, there's a lot to like about Battier. For one thing, he'll take a charge--nobody in the NBA takes a charge anymore. Also, Battier isn't the most talented guy on the floor, but is a great team player who busts his butt on defense and isn't afraid to take a big three-point shot. Off the court, he's well-spoken, does a lot in the community and is devoted to his wife (his high school girlfriend) and young son. Our neighbor works for the Rockets and says Battier is just a wonderful guy. There's no evidence out there to indicate she's fibbing.

Carlos Lee, OF, Houston Astros: Known as “El Cabello,” Lee is a very well-paid player. He’s also an extraordinarily nice guy (at least to little kids, and that’s what matters). Last year, he waved to my goddaughter and made her a fan for life. At Fanfest last weekend, she got a chance to meet him. He autographed her jersey and watched her do her “Carlos Lee dance” for him. He then did it with her, before giving her a high-five. It’s easy to be nice to people when you’re making $18 million a year, but not many athletes make the effort. Lee did and made a few fans for life.
• Albert Pujols, 1B, St. Louis Cardinals: It's easy enough to like Pujols simply for his offensive numbers--the guy's the best hitter of his generation and is putting up completely sick numbers (and, he's supposedly clean). But it's not just his work on the field that makes him a good guy. He's the father of a special needs kid and has taken that cause as his own. He even let a special needs kid come down and stay with his family during spring training. Make no mistake--Pujols is hated (actually, feared) in Houston, but of all the visiting players to come to Minute Maid Park, only one has come out to sign autographs for kids before a game. Guess who it was?
• Roy Oswalt, pitcher, Houston Astros: Oswalt's just a real simple guy from Weir, Mississippi. He's also the most successful pitcher of the the decade. He's a real quiet guy, but is very nice and good to talk to once you get to know him. I've known him since he was in the minors and I like him; my wife met him just this past weekend and she agrees. And who knows? He's already the most successful pitcher in Astros history and, if he sticks around, he might go to the Hall of Fame.
• Dustan Pedroia, 2B, Boston Red Sox: Pedroia is a little guy. He's tough, scrappy, and doesn't mind getting his uniform dirty. He's ultra-competitive, to the point where he hates losing Scrabble games in the locker room. He's got a non-stop motor. He's also got a rookie of the year and MVP trophy to go with a World Series ring.
• Josh Hamilton, CF, Texas Rangers: A few years ago, Hamilton was on top of the world--a true five-tool player, he was the first overall pick in the major league baseball draft. A few years after that, he was at the bottom--stealing from his family to buy drugs, out of the game and on his way to an early death. Then something happened: he found religion, got clean and got back on the field. He's back on top of the world, having put together a great 2008 season and stealing the show at the All-Star Home Run Derby. He's one of the best players in the game now, but he hasn't forgotten where he's been and what saved his life. To defeat the demons Hamilton did and return after being given up on by a lot of people (including his first organization, the Tampa Bay Rays) makes him someone worth rooting for. The ultimate example of overcoming adversity.
• Drew Brees, QB, New Orleans Saints: Brees is another guy who has made a habit of overcoming adversity. He was considered too small to play quarterback at Texas A&M or the University of Texas (he's from Austin), he went to Purdue and tore up the record books. A second-round draft pick, he performed well for the San$ Diego Chargers--well enough, in fact, the Chargers drafted Phillip Rivers and dumped him a year later, in spite of his throwing for more than 4000 yards. Once again, too short. Brees figured to sign with the Miami Dolphins, but they passed on him after he had arm surgery, figuring he was washed up (they signed Duante Culpepper instead, who proved it was he who was washed up). So Brees signed with New Orleans and has been nothing short of awesome since. He took a team that had been pathetic for decades to the NFC Championship Game in his first year.
  
• Kurt Warner, QB, Arizona Cardinals: How can you not like this guy? He's beaten the odds not once, but twice! A quarterback out of Northern Iowa, he bummed around in the Arena League and NFL Europe before getting a second chance (he had been cut in training camp by Green Bay) with the St. Louis Rams. After Trent Green tore up his knee during a preseason game, Warner took over and made the Rams into the Greatest Show on Turf and led them to a Super Bowl win. He won two MVP awards and had several great years before the Rams dumped him and he went to New York. He lost the starting job to Eli Manning after eight games and was deemed washed up in 2004. He went to Arizona, expected to back up Matt Leinart. Instead, he's regained his early career form and took a horrible fanchise to within a minute of a Super Bowl victory earlier this year. Through it all, he remains humble, committed to his family, charity and his faith. An awesome guy.
  

Examples of lousy parenting

This past weekend, the Missus and I, along with Madge and Madgette (see Madge and a Half for more details) went to Astros Fanfest. Fanfest, while a tad pricey, can be a lot of fun. Among the things they have are autograph sessions with the entire team (minus the starting pitcher and catcher for the exhibition game played later that day). In order to minimize the insanity around the likes of Lance Berkman and Roy Oswalt, the team limits the number of people who can get in line by selling a certain number of vouchers for each autograph group. Wristbands for the vouchers are distributed at 5 a.m. the morning of the event, so if you want a star, you'd better get there early.

I don't know what this says about us, but we did. In fact, we now have jerseys autographed by both Berkman and Oswalt, as well as Craig Biggio's signature on my Hall of Fame bat with 9 other guys enshrined in Cooperstown, but that's another story. This issue has to do with the jerks who had their kids out in line before we got there.

Don't get me wrong; a lot of those folks were out there because their kids wanted to be there. Some of them, however, were out there using their kids to make a buck.

In a way, I'm ashamed to admit I'm a collector of sports memorabilia because a lot of collectors have no dignity, no shame and will do anything to get a signature. And, for some reason, they like to bitch. About everything.

Sellers are even worse, since they have all the flaws of the hard-core collector and then turn around and sell the stuff at a 75% increase. For all intents and purposes, most of them are scum.

How scummy? Scummy enough that they'll have their kids out there in line at midnight the night before so they can get another autographed item.

To be fair, I didn't see this a single time at Fanfest. I saw it about two dozen times. My age had their daughters, who were five or six, in line with them. They were drilling them on who they were going to get to autograph a certain thing, then they were to come back and give it to daddy. Then they were to run to the other side of the stadium, get in line for another group and get stuff autographed there. Then daddy dearest would sell the stuff, either then and there or on Ebay or something like that.

The first time I saw something like this was in Baltimore, when a guy had his five-year-old son stand in line to get Cal Ripken's autograph on a bat. As soon as the kid had done his duty, the dad came down, ripped the bat out of the kid's hands and acted like Santa Claus had just come to town. I was maybe 15 and it disgusted me. Now that I'm old enough to be that guy, it disgusts me even more.

I'm very proud of the stuff I have and the things Momma Pug allows me to keep around. I also believe strongly that, once I have a son (or a daughter, if she likes this crap), in autograph they get is theirs. Period, end of story. And I'm sure as hell not going to force them to do something so I can be a scumbag and make a quick buck off of their exhuastive efforts and someone's signature.

And I think parents who do can go to hell.

The arrogance of the New York Times knows no bounds

I have long maintained that the New York Times has stopped being a newspaper and become a large propaganda organ--mainly for itself. In spite of tremendous repeated errors, horrific bias and a rapidly declining readership, the Times and its leadership remains under the impression that its...ahem...stuff don't stink.

Need proof? Take it from the big mouth of Executive Editor Bill Keller:

"Saving the New York Times now ranks with saving Darfur as a high-minded cause."

WHAT?

Did that jackass compare the slaughter of hundreds of thousands of innocent people with the self-inflicted demise of a crappy newspaper? Yep, he sure did.

I have a few questions for Mr. Keller. Questions, in case he'd forgotten, are what reporters are supposed to ask when they don't have their ideologically slanted conclusions made before they start writing their story.

Question 1: What is a "high-minded cause"? Is it something that all people should feel morally bound to support? Is it something decreed by a superior entity? Or is it something that only the American intelligencia should be working for, as the rest of us are too stupid?

Question 2: Do you really have such a pathetically poor opinion of the people of Darfur? Are you that self-important, or are you a bigot?

Question 3: Don't you realize that if your product stopped being garbage, you'd have a legitimate chance of survival?

Question 4: Do you realize you have your head up your ass? Just wondering.

Crap like this is why I left the Episcopal Church

I am, for all intents and purposes, a Methodist. I was raised as one, but baptized in the Episcopal Church when I went to an Episcopal High School (named, originally enough, Episcopal High School). By the time I was in my late 20s, I had left the Episcopal faith and will be damned if I will ever go back. I don't like politics in any church; I especially don't like it when the politics is violently, hatefully liberal.

Unfortunately, this is the Episcopal Church. They're more about politics than faith and have no hesitation pushing their causes. If they didn't, they wouldn't let a scumbag like the Rev. Katherine Ragsdale lead the Episcopal Divinity School in Cambridge, Mass. (figures). They certainly wouldn't reward anyone who ends a sermon like this:

"Finally, the last sign I want to identify relates to my fellow clergy. Too often even those who support us can be heard talking about abortion as a tragedy. Let's be very clear about this:

When a woman finds herself pregnant due to violence and chooses an abortion, it is the violence that is the tragedy; the abortion is a blessing.

When a woman finds that the fetus she is carrying has anomalies incompatible with life, that it will not live and that she requires an abortion - often a late-term abortion - to protect her life, her health, or her fertility, it is the shattering of her hopes and dreams for that pregnancy that is the tragedy; the abortion is a blessing.

When a woman wants a child but can't afford one because she hasn't the education necessary for a sustainable job, or access to health care, or day care, or adequate food, it is the abysmal priorities of our nation, the lack of social supports, the absence of justice that are the tragedies; the abortion is a blessing.

And when a woman becomes pregnant within a loving, supportive, respectful relationship; has every option open to her; decides she does not wish to bear a child; and has access to a safe, affordable abortion - there is not a tragedy in sight -- only blessing. The ability to enjoy God's good gift of sexuality without compromising one's education, life's work, or ability to put to use God's gifts and call is simply blessing.

These are the two things I want you, please, to remember - abortion is a blessing and our work is not done. Let me hear you say it: abortion is a blessing and our work is not done. Abortion is a blessing and our work is not done. Abortion is a blessing and our work is not done."

Ok, the first part of that, about the violence, I can almost get. Nobody should be forced to carry a baby conceived through rape or incest. The rest of this is simply a leftist woman saying "it's ok to eliminate a kid if they're an inconvenience." It's utterly disgusting to think she'd say such things while posing as a teacher of God's word.

Compare those comments with these:

"If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost."

"Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy."

Those words, of course, come from the mouth of Jesus of Nazareth, whose work, it is supposed, is also not done. In fact, Ragsdale's supposed to be doing His work! In those quotes, it's pretty apparent that Jesus places great value on all lives--particularly those of children and those who cannot protect themselves. He also looks well upon those are kind and caring to those in need, even if it's tough for them to do so.

Ragsdale, on the other hand, would have those in tough situations to eliminate their problem, should it be a pregnancy, via abortion.

Herein lies my biggest problem with the Episcopal Church: they'll support mass murderers--they hold prayer vigils at the church in Huntsville, Texas, every time there's an execution, and it's not just to condemn the practice, it's to praise the deceased. They feel bad for the death of a criminal who violated his social contract, yet are all kinds of fired up to abort a child who hasn't even been given a chance to make a mistake? Disgusting.

That Jesus fellow also said, "What goes into a man's mouth does not make him 'unclean,' but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him 'unclean.'" By that statement, Rev. Ragsdale is one filthy biatch--and a perfect representative of her church.

Redskins can't help themselves, stupidly chase Jay Cutler

A couple of weeks ago, when former Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler informed the nation that he was a petulant, whiny, immature bitch by pouting after it became known that new Denver coach Josh McDaniels had considered the possibility of making a trade for his former quarterback Matt Cassel, I said I didn't want the Redskins to go after him. My argument (in my opinion, of course), was logical: he hasn't proven himself as a winner, he has proven himself to a little jerk and, honestly, he costs too much in terms of acquisition cost and salary.

So, typically, Dan Snyder and his merry band of nitwits have decided to try to make a trade for Cutler.

They just don't learn.

In the time since I made my first post, Cutler has:

• Skipped a voluntary minicamp in Denver
• Ignored phone and text messages from McDaniels and Broncos owner Pat Bowlen
• Claimed he never heard from either (prompting the Broncos to say "we have the phone records")
• Has basically acted like a child.

It has also come out that when Mike Shanahan was fired in Denver, Cutler demanded Bowlen keep several of his assistants, regardless of who the next coach was!

That's a lot of nerve for a guy who has not been to a single playoff game and played like crap in the final three games of last season when all Denver had to do is win one to get into the postseason. It's also a pretty good indication that Cutler doesn't get how the NFL game works and has a very high opinion of himself.

All of these should be warning signs to other teams, screaming THIS GUY IS A HEADCASE. STAY AWAY. So, of course, Redskins go after him. Stupidity.

So now the Redskins (I mean, of course, SNYDER) are trying to dump the average Jason Campbell for the statistically superior Cutler. Pay no mind to the fact getting Cutler would screw up an already bad salary cap situation and create extra tension in a fragile locker room and more headaches for weak head coach Jim Zorn, Danny wants another toy.

So the Redskins are ready to break the bank for an immature quarterback with a big arm and a history of clashing with teammates and coaches. I've heard that before....

With Jeff George. We all know how well that went. Of course, Dan Snyder screwed that one up too.