10 guys you'd want with you in a bar fight

(Official disclaimer: This would only work in a half-real, half-fictional universe. If you kept it purely realistic, I'd take two Navy SEALS or a couple of guys from Delta Force and they'd clear the bar in 30 seconds. But that would make for a short blog.)

If you go into a bar, you should be looking for two things out of anyone you're with: good company and the ability to watch your back. There's always a chance, albeit small, that someone's going to have too much to drink and want to brawl. So, if you're gonna go drinking, bring the best with you. some people to consider:

10. Jaws (James Bond Frenemy)

Care to stop by for a...bite?

Why you'd want him with you: Well, let's see--he's seven feet tall and has steel teeth. He may not be much for conversation, but he'd literally bite the heads off of anyone who give you crap. And who needs a bottle opener?

9. Rocky Balboa, two-time heavyweight champion

Yo, yous wanna start somethin'?

Why you'd want him with you: Yo, when yous got Rock witchu, you know yous gonna get some good stories. And, he's a street fighter, you know what I'm sayin'? So he ain't afraid of knocking some punk on his ass in a bar, you know?

8. Capt. James T. Kirk, fearless leader/ladies man

So you say...you need a wingman?

Why him: Well, you know he can drink, even if his preference leans to Romulan Ale instead of, say, Shiner Bock. He know he's got some good stories to tell; after all, he's been around the universe. He also know he's a complete babe-magnet, so he'll get the girls to stop by. And, if someone gives you crap, he'll vaporize them.

7. Jack Bauer, government employee/timekeeper

See that? It says it's time for me to kick your ass.

Why him: Jack's a rather intense fellow, so he may not be a whole lot for conversation. But, if he's on your side and sees the need for it, someone's getting a severe can of whupass opened on them. He can also stop a bad situation before it starts if someone starts talking trash to you by simply screaming, "WE DON'T HAVE TIME!"

6. The Terminator, killer robot/politician

Not interested in talk. Not even about Caleforneeuh.

Why him: Well, he's probably not going to much for conversation and you know he's not going to drink, so that's a bit of a buzzkill. But he does a have few things going for him; for one, you know he's got bar fight experience and he can clear out a bar if you so much as nod at him (with the unfortunate possible side-effect of killing Sarah Connor).

5. Han Solo, smuggler/scoundrel/all around nice guy

Bring up A&M's offensive line again and I'll vaporize you. Got it?

Why him: Ok, you know he drinks. You know he attracts chicks (and 8-foot friends who tear off arms for fun). He's got some serious stories to tell, even if he probably doesn't like talking about giant slugs. And, most importantly, you know he'll blast someone who gives him crap in a bar. So, why not him?

4. John Wayne, a man who needs no introduction

Pilgrim, we're gonna have this drink here and you're gonna go away. You savvy?

Why him: In case you need an introduction, this is John Fing Wayne. The man likes a bar and likes a brawl. And he's John Wayne. As if you need another reason.

3. Bruce Lee, martial artist/occasional shirt-wearer

Talk to the hand, boy, or I'll say.....HEEEEAAH!

Why him: Perfect guy if you actually want to get in to a bar fight. At first glance, he's short and slender and wearing rather goofy stretchy pants (and maybe no shirt). Nobody would even think twice about picking one with you and this guy (if they didn't know who it was). But one insult, a few shrieks and a couple of spin kicks later, nobody's standing. Sweet.

2. Darth Vader, Sith Lord/asthmatic/rather grumpy fellow

If I could drink, homeboy here would be getting me a Schlitz.

Why him: Seems like a rather odd choice, right? He can't drink and he's not going to be much for pithy conversation--though his occasional one-liner might be highly quotable. But think about this: he's perfect as a space-clearer in a busy bar. If being seven feet tall and wearing a black outfit with a loud mechanical breathing apparatus doesn't get you enough room, he can just walk over and ask, "Want to hear how I killed a billion people?" That ought to do it. Now, let's say someone shows up late and drunk and wants a piece of you. Vader can just turn, look at him and say, "My friend doesn't want to hear about your Philadelphia Eagles. I don't either." Then you can watch that guy collapse as he chokes to death. (Note: it might be somewhat irritating if he just stands next to you, breathing and watching you drink all night. I'm just saying. If things are cool, send him to get nachos or something.)

1. Chuck Norris, legend

This look should be sufficient to kill you.

Why him: Because he's Chuck Norris.