Things you don't want to mix up

In life, there are an awful lot of things you can confuse for another. In most cases, it's not a big deal. Having said that, however, there are a few things you can mix up that will make you look like a certified moron. Here are just a few that I've thought of today that you just don't want to confuse:

• The Miss America wave with the Stalin/Saddam wave: You know the Miss America wave--the one with all the wrist that signfies that yes, I am a brain-dead bimbo but I look hot in bathing suit and my pleas for world peace sounded better than Ms. New Mexico's. You also know the Saddam/Stalin wave-- cupped hand turned sideways, no movement of the wrist whatsoever. If you ever get the roses and tiara, make sure you do NOT give the wave that indicates you're going to kill the families of everyone in the audience, try to kill all the Jews and invade a small country. It will not help you in your mission to end childhood illiteracy.
• Washington D.C. with Washington State: This one galls me to no end and, amazingly, you hear it all the time. I'll be wearing a Redskins shirt and someone will come up to me and say, "I didn't know Seattle had a football team." Well, they do--the SEAHAWKS. Or someone will bitch about why the National Gallery of Art or Smithsonian are out west, so far from the rest of us. If you don't know the difference, hand over your driver's license and voter registration card because you're too dumb to be trusted with something that important.
• Rival schools: A total teeth grinder,which I can direct back to someone I worked with in Georgia. Amazingly, the idiot in question was the sports editor and didn't know the difference between Texas A&M and the University of Texas. After A&M got punked by Texas several years ago in football, he came over to me the following week and said, "You must be happy." I looked at him like he just got off the bus from the sun. Perhaps it's because he's never left ACC country or, more likely because he's a moron, he replied to my invitation to impregnate himself with this doozy: "Oh, there's a difference? I thought all those crappy Texas schools were the same." Sure. And Alabama's like Auburn, UNC's like Duke and Army's like Navy. The following week, his alma mater, Clemson, took it in the trunks from arch-rival South Carolina. I asked him how happy he was, and he got pissed. I replied, "Didn't know there was a difference between you douchebag South Carolina schools." He didn't talk to me for the remainder of the time I was there--seven months. I made damned sure to E-mail him, though, when A&M punked Clemson the following season. Jerkoff.
• The King's English and the President's English: Remember, we are separated by an ocean and a common language. If you ask for a fag in England, you'll get a smoke. You ask for one here, you'll tick someone off, regardless of their sexual preference.
  
• 110 volt outlet and a 220 volt outlet: Margaret Thatcher did this on a trip to Saudi Arabia in the 80s. She plugged her hair dryer into the wrong one and blew out the brakers for an entire palace.
• MSNBC and a real news source: Unless you want to come out of your TV watching experience slightly to the left of Lenin, don't do it.
• ESPN and a real sports source: Unless you feel the urge to root for Duke or any team from New York/New England, it's not worth your time.
• A guy who reads a speech well off a teleprompter and presidential material: Damn. Too late.
• Michael Jackson and a babysitter: And, for that matter, Jesus Juice will not bring your children closer to our Lord and Savior.