Addendum to the 10 coolest TV characters of the 1980s

A while back, I posted a little piece (which, according to Google analytics, is pretty damned popular) of the Top 10 coolest TV characters from the 80s. In the process, I neglected two seriously cool characters that no list can do without. So, without further bs-ing, here are those two badasses:


Robert McCall (Edward Woodward), The Equalizer

I'm smooth, I'm suave and I can put a bullet in your head from 85 yards. Problem with me being English?

I don't know how one person who is a British subject becomes a longtime CIA operative as opposed to a member of Her Majesty's Secret Service, gets burned by the CIA and not only stays in the States and becomes a good guy vigilante for hire. But everything was possible in New York in the 80s, apparently, as that's exactly what Robert McCall was. Even though he was in his late 50s or early 60s or something like that, he could grab a black man in his late teens, a Hispanic in his 20s and any honky of any age and scare the shit out of him. And he never raised his voice. In fact, if he lowered it and started speaking quickly, THAT'S when you knew you were screwed.

The best part of McCall's whole deal was his ability to drop a bad guy whenever he needed to. And you have to admire his desire for the bad guy to drop his weapon before he shot him. In fact, he'd give him about a tenth of a second to put that gun down before dotting his forehead. It went something like this: "Don't do it!"BLAM. No space. No pause. But you have to give him credit for being chivalrous.


That brings us to this guy:

J.R. Ewing (Larry Hagman), Dallas

During my formative years, there were three bad guys TV and the movies introduced to me that remain severely badass to this day. The first one, of course, is this guy, who needs no introduction:


The second one is this guy, who also needs no introduction:


And then there's guy, who also needs no introduction:

Well, hello, darlin'. I'm the baddest ass bad guy in TV history.

When I was a little kid, there was no question about who I hated most of these three guys. One was responsible for the deaths of billions and even cut off his own kid's hand; another was a soulless bounty hunter who tried to kill good people and was not above working for previously mentioned dude who killed billions. Then there was a guy who just wanted to steal his family's company from the clutches of his good-guy brother and put his beauty queen wife in the bottom of a whiskey bottle by screwing her sister.

Yep, I hated J.R. Ewing by far the most. What a miserable son of a bitch. In fact, I kept on hoping that guy number two would show up in Dallas and thermally detonate his ass.

To quote number three on the previous list, I know what you're thinking, and you're right. I WAS 7 years old, and if you don't like the visual of Boba Fett blasting J.R., you can kiss my ass.

Anyway, now 25 years later, I still hate J.R. But I LOVE to hate him. What a perfect bad guy. You can't help but love the guy! There's nothing redeeming about him whatsoever, and that is AWESOME.

How badass is J.R. Ewing? Badass enough to single-handedly cause the collapse of a communist government! Seriously! During the 80s, Romanian dictator Nicolae Ceausescu ordered state-run TV to show episodes of Dallas so his subjects would realize the vile corruption of the capitalist system. However, instead of his people being repelled by what they saw, they got a massive hardon for the nice clothes, hot babes and big cars.

And they all LOVED J.R. Ewing. The booze-swilling, frequently philandering, twice-shot, family screwing bastard from Dallas was a God in a Godless nation. In fact, Dallas helped motivate the people of Romania to stand up and force Ceausescu from power (and, eventually, put more bullets in him than Kristin put in J.R.). A few years later, Larry Hagman (who I like even though he is poster child for "brain dead liberal") visited Romania and was treated to a welcome usually reserved for the Pope.

Now, that is one badass mutha, darlin'.