Happy Halloween, you selfish bastards who don't want to pay more taxes

$40.38 (or how I continued to hate liberals and tree-huggers and learned to love the recession)

Back December last, before speculators and general idiocy sent the price of gas through the ceiling, the missus and I bought a Chevy Trailblazer. She would have you think that we settled on this particular vehicle because it fit our needs perfectly and was the choice after a long, intensive search.

Actually, it was the first vehicle we looked at, but who's splitting hairs? That's not the issue here, because the vehicle has been generally pretty good and does fit our needs.

It's also a friggin' boat. This puppy is BIG, and, while it does pretty well on gas for its size, it does go through a fair amount. When the price of oil went up to $147 a barrel this summer, we were spending $75 EVERY TIME WE FILLED THE DAMNED THING UP. We thought we were totally screwed, not only because we'd be totally upside down if we tried to trade it in, but because it appeared that, because the American left didn't want to do anything to provide new sources of oil, we'd be paying $75 or more for another couple years.

In my endorsement of my "friend" John McCain yesterday, I neglected to mention the differences in energy policy. McCain, though a recent and half-assed convert, has come over to the drill here, drill now, drill alot theory while we work for alternative sources of energy. In this way, the price of oil would come down because supply would increase and we'd be less dependent on the jackholes of OPEC.

Obama's policy, in essence, is for everyone to drive two-cylinder Yugos until we come up with other energy sources, because that's how the good comrades in Europe do it. Personally, I think that is moronic. I'm all for more efficient vehicles, but contributing to the destruction of personal income in this nation because you're beholden to a few leftist tree-hugging morons makes you a dimwit, not a national politician.

But, at least for the time being, the point is moot. The bottom has fallen out of the oil market, as the nations around the world are already hurting a lot worse than we are. The demand for oil has diminished greatly and speculators have already bailed out of the market. Now, oil sits at a much more palatable $65 a barrel and could drop to as low as $40.

This isn't news; you can see it at the pump, wherever you are. Gas topped out here at $3.93 in July, dropped some before Ike, came back up for a couple weeks and has plummeted since. Yesterday, I went to Kroger and filled up, and with the 10 cents a gallon discount I got, here's what I paid to fill up the Trailblazer:

Some pinkos around here have taken to putting bumper stickers on their cars that read, "When Bush entered office, gas was $1.99 a gallon". Of course, this is completely idiotic, because the president has nothing to do with oil prices and this president has tried to drill in ANWR and has been fought tooth and nail by the dumbnamic duo of Nancy and Harry. But they also no longer have a point, as gas will be $1.99 WHEN HE LEAVES OFFICE.

Oh, I also noticed that a lot more SUVs, Tahoes, Escalades and the like were back out on the road yesterday. I thought I could hear the stifled sobs of the treehuggers out west, but I drowned it out by revving up the RPMs of my nice V-8 engine and headed off to punch my own hole in the ozone layer.

Who I'm supporting for President--and why

I am supporting John McCain for President. I do this not because he is a quality candidate (he's not) or because he's inspired me. I'm doing this because Barack Obama is running a campaign, that, if elected, will change the face of America for the worse.

I see there are lot of people supporting Obama and Joe Biden. I think that they are overwhelmingly foolish, naive and unaware of what Obama stands for.

I will speak on Joe Biden just briefly. The man is an utter buffoon. He has been in the Senate for more than three decades and has sponsored no legislation of consequence and is a congenital liar. His repeated comments that he was forced down by enemy fire in Afghanistan is a joke. He was forced down by a snowstorm, but the media hasn't called him on it. He was forced from the race in 1988 because he stole the work of Neil Kinnock, the worst English politician of the last century. A 36-year veteran of Washington--that's "Change you can believe in?"

But this isn't about Botox Biden. This is about Obama and his neo-socialistic plans for this nation, his complete lack of experience and his utter stupidity in the area of foreign affairs. The man is fawned on as the new messiah, but he'll need God's help to do anything right.

I am not fooled by Obama's non-speaking speak on the stump. Going back to what he's said in the past, and in his books, is more educational. You want to know why Obama never criticized Jeremiah Wright for his "God damn America," rants, his rages against the nation he so hates? Because he agrees with them. Obama, like Wright, does not like this nation in its current form.

The words of Barack Obama, 2001: ” The Supreme Court never ventured into the issues of redistribution of wealth, and of more basic issues such as political and economic justice in society. To that extent, as radical as I think people try to characterize the Warren Court, it wasn’t that radical. It didn’t break free from the essential constraints that were placed by the founding fathers in the Constitution, at least as its been interpreted and Warren Court interpreted in the same way, that generally the Constitution is a charter of negative liberties. Says what the states can’t do to you. Says what the Federal government can’t do to you, but doesn’t say what the Federal government or State government must do on your behalf."

To anyone who resents the current level of government intrusion in their lives, this should be alarming, to say the least. The man does not like the Constitution, the basis of our very government! He wants rights taken from the individual and given to the government--the very idea the Constitution was created to avoid! The concept of "political and economic justice", as it is defined on the left, is them, via the government, telling you what you can and can't do, can and can't think. The Fairness Doctrine, for instance, will return under Obama. He says he will not work for its reinstatement, but he won't have to--Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi will, and he'll sign the bill. This will muzzle the voices on talk radio and put stations, who depend on the money brought in by Rush, Hannity and Mark Levin to stay above water, out of business. This is a blatant abuse of the First Amendment, but who cares when you're looking for "social justice?"

The man is looking for social redistribution of wealth. That wasn't a slip-up on the campaign trail a few weeks back; he's been looking for it his entire career. His "95 percent of people get a tax cut" idea is sheer bullshit. For one, only 47 percent of the American public actually pay income taxes. Obama's "tax cut" is a handout, much like the first stimulus package. It's another government program, not a help to the public.

If you look at Obama's record (what little there is of one), the man is obsessed with tax increases. He made the same promise to the voters in Illinois when he ran for the Senate, that he would propose a middle class tax cut. He broke his word, and instead voted 94 times for tax increases, including tax increases on anyone making over $42,000. First, Obama said that any family making under $250,000 deserves a tax cut. Now, yesterday, Biden says tax relief should only go to "middle class people — people making under 150,000 dollars a year. "

In a lot of places, $150,000 is nothing. You go tell people in California and New York State making a combined $155,000 that they're upper class. I dare you. They're probably living in an apartment.

When you have John Kerry, his alleged Secretary of State-in-waiting, saying Obama supports another New Deal, and Marci Kaptur (D-Ohio) telling a crowd at an Obama rally yesterday (with remarks approved by the campaign) that America needed a Second Bill of Rights guaranteeing all Americans a job, health care, homes, an education, and a fair playing field for business and farmers, and you see where this is going.

Socialism.

Maybe this second bill of rights will sound like this: "Article 40. Citizens of the USSR have the right to work (that is, to guaranteed employment and pay in accordance wit the quantity and quality of their work, and not below the state-established minimum), including the right to choose their trade or profession, type of job and work in accordance with their inclinations, abilities, training and education, with due account of the needs of society... Article 41. Citizens of the USSR have the right to rest and leisure... The length of collective farmers' working and leisure time is established by their collective farms. Article 42. Citizens of the USSR have the right to health protection."

Now, if you support that, I'm sorry. You're just not very smart. You hear about the wonders of the Canadian health care system, because everyone gets to see the doctor. They do--AFTER AN AVERAGE WAIT OF TWO MONTHS. Many Canadians come to the U.S. to get their prescriptions because they can't find them in Canada or can't afford to wait for the prescriptions to get filled. If there's an emergency, many come stateside for surgeries because the average time for a procedure is SIX MONTHS. You think it'd be done any better here? May I reintroduce you to FEMA and the IRS?

As bad as the economy is here, the situation in the EU is worse. Why? Socialistic policies. The economies of England and Germany have to boost those of Portugal and Italy, taking away a lot of their domestic strength. There is little give in their economies, because there is much less fluid currency in the marketplace. In other words, people are so damned taxed they have little money to spend. This puts businesses in a critical position a hell of a lot faster and the government has to get even more involved. There will be a recession in this nation, but it will be far less than what Europe will endure because our capitalist system has the ability to recover faster than one controlled by the government.

While Obama will screw things up at home, his work abroad will be even worse. The man likes to think of himself as an internationalist, just because he gave a speech in Berlin. Whoop-de-frickin-do.

Obama is of the group of Americans that I loathe who think that if we're nice to everyone else, they'll be nice to us. That's a stupid and naive assumption, showing a lack of education about the rest of the world. Obama wants to talk to the Iranian idiot "without preconditions," even though the SOB is in blatant violation of international treaties and UN resolutions, not to mention HE'S ARMING PEOPLE WHO ARE KILLING AMERICANS.

How foolish is Obama's stance on Iran? France's president Sarkozy views the Democratic candidate's stance on Iran as "utterly immature" and comprised of "formulations empty of all content." Ouch.

Obama wants to end the Iraq war. How sweet, now that it's won. But he wants the Iraqi government not to deal with the Bush Administration so he can do things his way (pull out before complete stability is achieved). In so doing, he's putting the new government of Iraq and our soldiers at risk. That's the height of arrogance, not to mention incredibly dumb.

He wants to pull out of Iraq, but wants to invade Pakistan, a nuclear power. Wow. Brilliant. And if you support Israel, his past association with Rashid Kahlidi, a vigorous anti-Semite who worked for the PLO, should terrify you. There's nothing in his record whatsoever that would indicate he'd support Israel, but he's palled around with lots of people who want the Jewish state to cease to exist.

The experience issue is simple: the man has spent 143 non-campaigning days in the Senate. If he is elected president and serves ONE TERM, it will be the longest he's ever held a job. Don't give me the crap about being an Illinois State Senator for seven years; that body meets five months a year and has a salary of $100.

SO, this is the man a large percentage of Americans are agog about. Some are because the media's drooling over him; some are because they hate Republicans by their nature. Others really like the idea of scrapping America as we know it and remaking it in Europe's disgraceful image.

If you're like that, congratulations. You've got your candidate. But if you're someone who still believes in the rights of the individual, the right to think and speak freely, to know your nation is adequately defended, to DO IT YOUR DAMNED SELF, John McCain is the only option.

Otherwise, you will have helped Barack Obama do exactly what he wanted to do seven years ago and scrap the Constitution. And if you want the government to do everything for you and have a ceiling placed on your ability to succeed by Washington, you'll get it.

And I, personally, will hold you in contempt.

Two great games I never saw the end of (my version of Momma Pug's "The Crazies")

As you can tell from the very nice art at the top of the blog, I root for two baseball teams: the Baltimore Orioles and Houston Astros. One team I grew up rooting for, the other forced their way into my affections because I knew half the team at one point. My boys have almost all since been traded (NICE JOB ON THE LIDGE TRADE, WADE), but I still root for the 'Stros.

I have had the good fortune of attending two of the greatest games in the respective history of each franchise. Sadly, I didn't see the end of either of them.

The first was in 1983. It was actually the first big league game I ever went to, and it was at old Memorial Stadium in Baltimore. The (eventual World Champion) Orioles were playing the Toronto Blue Jays on a hot, muggy August night the night of Aug. 24, to be precise. I remember that the O's were down 4-1 in the 8th inning when my dad said, "Screw it. They suck. It's time to go."

So we left. I was 8 years old and figured that if my dad says so, the O's are toast.

So we walked and walked and walked back to the car. We got in to hear Jon Miller (yes, the ESPN Jon Miller) going crazy, as the Orioles had come back to tie the game!

"Shit." That's all my dad said. He then turned off the radio, because he didn't want to hear what I'd say if the Orioles actually won.

Did they win? Hell yes! In a way that has never been repeated.

In order to get Cal to the plate in the 9th, the Orioles had used five straight pinch-hitters. When the game went into extra innings, the O's were using outfielders as infielders because they had run out of infielders, and had utility man Lenn Sakata catching. Sakata hadn't caught since Little League, but the Orioles were screwed and had no other option.

(Lenn Sakata, catcher/power hitter)

(Editor's Note: Lenn Sakata was a lifetime .230 hitter who hit 25 TOTAL home runs in 10 major league seasons. Keep that under your hat.)

The Blue Jays come up in the 10th against Orioles closer Tippy Martinez and the first guy promptly homers. The second guy reaches on an error by the second baseman, who is really an outfielder but has to play there because the O's have no second basemen left to use. So the Blue Jays runner takes a big lead off of first, salivating at the chance to steal on Lenn Sakata. Tippy promptly picks him off.

The next two hitters walk. Both get big leads, both get picked off. It remains the ONLY time in history that all three outs in one inning were recorded by pickoffs.

(Tippy Martinez, historic pitcher)

To start the bottom of the 10th, some guy named Cal Ripken homers. The next two guys get on base, leading up to--you guessed it-- LENN SAKATA.

(Cal Ripken Jr.--homered on 8/24/83, never heard from again)

Of course, Mr. .230 hitter with 25 career homers jacks a three-run shot out of the park. The game remains one of the most legendary ones in Orioles history, and my dad STILL hates to hear the name Lenn Sakata. And that is why I don't leave games early.

One exception came on Oct. 9, 2005, when I was FORCED to leave game 4 of the National League Divisional Series between the Astros and Atlanta Braves. As you know from Momma Pug's blog, she didn't take her medication that day. If you didn't know my wife, you wouldn't know she had any problems at all when she fails to take her meds, except for one notable exception: SHE HATES MY FUCKING GUTS. By the time we got to the game, she had been berating me for a good 90 minutes about things that I had no control over, including global warming (I think).

The game started off routinely, if not badly, when Adam LaRoche hit a grand slam off of Brandon Backe in the third. By the fifth, it was 5-0 Braves. By the sixth, 6-1.

Then the comeback began. In the 8th, Lance Berkman hit a grand slam to make the game 6-5. Minute Maid Park was in a frenzy.

(PUMA!)

The Braves brought in closer Kyle Farnsworth, who throws very hard, to close out the game. I had a feeling that the 'Stros would come back, because in spite of the fact Farnsworth throws 97, he drank from a huge bottle of SUCK when he was an infant and chokes in the clutch with astounding frequency. But he was one pitch from making me a liar in the bottom of the 9th and it seemed pretty certain that he would get that one last strike, as Astros catcher Brad Ausmus was the guy at the plate.

For those of you unfamiliar with Ausmus, he is legend in Houston. He's Ivy League educated, a surfer-dude and a guy that 99.664 percent of Houston women want to screw. I mean, Ausmus walks up to the plate and you hear the panties drop.

You also hear men groan, because HE CAN'T HIT WORTH A SHIT. (EDITOR'S NOTE: Ausmus has a career average of .251 with 79 homers in 16 seasons. He hasn't hit above .260 since 2000. This is why he is called "Auto1", for Auto-Out 1. "Auto2" was Adam Everett, but he's gone now and has been replaced by Michael Bourn. Bourn is scheduled to ascend to "Auto1" status next season.)

(Brad Ausmus, sex symbol with Sakata-esque power)

Incredibly, with a 2-2 count, Ausmus hit a long fly ball to left center field. The sound from the crowd wasn't a roar, it was more like "HUH?" The crowd did explode, however, when the umpires ruled the ball had barely made it over the fence and Ausmus, he of three homers all year, had tied the game!

And Farnsworth had sucked once again.

But that was all of the scoring I saw. The game went on and on, with both teams blowing through pitchers. In the 14th, the Astros were out of pitchers, save one: Roger Clemens. And in he came, trying to keep the season going for Houston.

(Roger Clemens, relief pitcher/sip/roid monkey/perjurer)

Clemens held the Braves scoreless for four innings, two of which I actually saw. But before the Astros came to bad in the 16th, my wife informed me that I had made her life hell, that I was wasting her time and making her suffer and we needed to go NOW. I begged, pleaded, got pissed off and even threatened (note: don't try that with someone off their meds. It doesn't work.)

So I stormed back to the truck, the missus berating me the whole way. She had been on her meds for 8 months, without fail, and she had some aggression to get out on my ass. So she did. By the time we got to the truck, I was about to lose my shit and kill her, but I shit you not, we had parked in the parking lot for the Harris County Criminal Courthouse and, having covered 37 executions, I knew that Harris County offed a lot of people and I didn't want to be one of them.

So we got in the truck, I jammed it into reverse and hit the gas.

And slammed into a Caddilac parked right behind us. At this point, I didn't give a flying fuck--I looked around, saw noone and bailed on that shit.

On the way home, I convinced the raging bride to let me listen to the game. Actually, she had calmed down a lot, felt really bad for what had happened and allowed it to be turned on. And the first thing we heard was the crowd (you know, the one we'd left) going BERSERK. I guessed that something had happened. All we heard was Alan Ashby yell, "CHRIS BURKE!"

(Chris Burke, one-time hero/bum otherwise)

In the bottom of the 18th, infielder/outfielder/disappointment Chris Burke had hit a home run off of Joey Divine, ending the longest and one of the most famous playoff games in history! AND I MISSED IT.

At least I have the ticket, and those wonderful memories to go with the Lenn Sakata game.

Oh, wait. No I don't.

Barack Obama is a socialist

Here it is. In his own freaking words. And don't try to tell me he's changed his tune from "it's a tragedy that the Supreme Court hasn't mandated redistriubution of wealth" and "the Constitution is flawed" in the past seven years.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iivL4c_3pck

This should be enough to give you pause.

Scenes from the Chick-fil-a drive-thru

This evening, the missus decided that we wouldn't be going out to dinner and there certainly wouldn't be any cooking in the house tonight. So I went to Chick-fil-a to get dinner. It's simple and usually quite good.

A note about our local CFA: the dude who owns it is a highly astute businessman. He found himself a market (parents with young kids and the Baptists) and took it over. Chick-fil-A OWNS this segment of the Pearland population, and it's a sizable segment.

Usually, when I go to a fast food joint, I go inside. I do this for two reasons: it's usually a lot faster and Leo Getz.

Who's Leo, you ask? I refer you to Lethal Weapon II and Joe Pesci's character. If you don't like profanity, you won't like this following diatribe from that film (I'm doing this from memory, so if I'm inaccurate, frigging deal with it):

Leo: "Hey, they fucked up my meal."
Murtaugh (Danny Glover): "Shut up and eat it."
Leo: "See, see, this is why you don't go through the drive-thru. Because THEY FUCK YOU AT THE DRIVE-THRU. They know that you're not going to find out they fucked you until you're miles away, and you're not going to go back. So who gets fucked? Leooooo!"
Murtaugh and Riggs (Mel Gibson): "SHUT UP, LEO!"

Anyway, I digress, much like my wife seems to do on her blog. But, the point is, I've been Leo-ed more than once and don't like getting fucked at the drive-thru. It's rather public and, until I lose another 40 pounds, I don't want anyone seeing me with my shirt off.

Disgressing again, I sensed a tremor in the Force and decided to go through the drive-thru tonight. One look inside and I knew why.

The place was packed. And every group in the place had at least one child, and not a single one was over four years old. It was a scene of utter chaos, and the masters of chaos all liked Dora the Explorer.

As I cruised by the play area, I could see that some of the kids had made toys and rides out of things that should not be toys and rides. Perhaps the parents were negligent, perhaps they were communing with the Lord via the Christian music playing inside or maybe they were just really fucking tired of their brats' shit, but only one woman was trying to play referee. See grabbed one of her kids, who was hanging upside down from the netting, and took him back inside.

As I moved on, I could see Divorced Daddy on his night out with his two little girls. He had bought the kids the Kids Meals and unpacked the toys for his charming darlings. They showed their appreciation by throwing the toys at each other before he could stop them.

Another couple were watching their three-year-old learn the joys of eating fries. Sadly for them, the little girl liked the ketchup and Polynesian Sauce more and started smashing the respective containers.

Another three-year-old-ish boy had gone to another table, climbed up on a chair and introduced himself to the people at the table. His mortified mom (the lady from the play area) ran over and grabbed him.

When I got up to the window, apparently I wasn't fast enough for the bitch behind me. She started honking as the food was still being passed to me. So I did what the important guests at Chick-fil-a would do.

I threw a packet of Polynesian Sauce at her dumb ass. That shut her up.

Oh, and dinner was just fine, thank you.

What John McCain refuses to understand about the media

From the top, a little disclosure: I used to be a journalist. I've covered all kinds of stuff. Odds are, you've read some of my work or, if you haven't, you know about something I covered.

Ok, now that that's out of the way, I'll tell you something else: the media is overwhelmingly biased towards the Democratic party. It is inhabited almost exclusively by flaming liberals who want to change America into the way they think it should look. Objectivity, especially at the national level, is an utter joke.

Oh, you figured that out already? Too bad John McCain can't. And it'll probably cost him the election.

McCain is astounded at the negative media coverage he's gotten since he wrapped up the Republican nomination. Having known McCain for some time, I must say that I am utterly appalled that he's so damned naive to think they were his buddies. But he has, at least since the day he stepped on the Senate floor. And he certainly has been up their ass since he started running for president in 1999.

He thinks they love him. They don't--they hate him. But they use him like a very useful idiot.

The liberals in the media see McCain as a destructive device which can destroy the Republican party. In the 2000 election, they were supporting him because they thought he could defeat, if not mortally wound, the much more conservative and despised George W. Bush. Didn't happen, even though the press lavished praise on the "Straight Talk Express."

In 2004, the media was again fawning over McCain as they thought he would be the man who would help John Kerry take down Bush by destroying the party from the inside. He was close to defecting to the Democrats, they thought, and might even be Kerry's choice for VP! Two war heroes (ok, actually only one, but Kerry peddled his bullshit nicely) against a pansyass Air National Guardsman! Certainly, this would leave the GOP in ruins and Bush would be routed.

Didn't happen again. In fact, McCain supported Bush visibly.

Now, this year. McCain is not liked by the conservative wing of the GOP, and the media saw opportunity again. They saw that one-third of Republicans might not vote for McCain, as they disagreed with him on major issues, including immigration. They felt he was Demo-lite, to the de-light of the press. They slobbered all over him again, helping to kill off Rudy Guiliani (too mean and nasty, oooh), Mitt Romney and Fred Thompson. He won the nomination.

At this point, the fangs came out and bit McCain squarely in the ass. He wasn't expecting the New York Times to write that his wife was a prescription drug abusing whore or that he screwed around on her. He wasn't expecting CNN to take things deliberately out of context, or Time Magazine to call him mean-spirited. But they all did.

And everyone with a brain should have seen it coming.

What McCain should have done is two things: attack the national media, the NYTs, CBSs and CNNs of the world from the stump. That's red meat for Republicans and a lot of independents. He should have also gone to local media, who are more desperate for news than they are biased, and told them his story directly. He didn't. And it'll cost him, because the bigtime media is no longer interested in slobbering on his knob. They've got Obama's in their mouth and they're giddy about it.

Watch for the Bradley Effect -- and the Liberal Media Effect

If you look at some of the polls, Barack Obama's people have to be very happy. But, from what I'm hearing, a lot of them are getting plenty nervous. They're not paying as much attention to the polls that have him up 6, 9 or 14 points -- they're paying attention to the Battleground Poll that has him up 1 and the IBD poll (both more recent) that has him up less than one.

They're also terrified of the Bradley Effect.

For those of you who don't know, the Bradley Effect is named after a gentleman who ran for governor of California a while back. In 1982, Tom Bradley was the democrat nominee, and is black. In the polls leading up the election, he had a very handy lead, making the media all giddy that one of their fellow liberal travelers would be elected.

He wasn't. As a result, the theory became that a lot of people, for fear of being called racist, will lie to pollsters when it comes to voting for a black person. They'll say they will (or did), when they won't (or didn't).

Doug Wilder had a double-digit lead in his race to become the first black governor of Virginia a decade or so ago, and won--50.1 percent to 49.9 for Marshall Coleman.

Think it's gone now? Consider: Obama had a 7 point lead, allegedly, the day before the New Hampshire primary. He lost by 9. He has consistently outperformed real results in pre-election polls.

The Bradley Effect exists. I don't know very many Democrats, because we tend not to travel in the same circles. Over the past week, however, I have called the dozen or so that I do know and can believe and asked them who they're voting for. (Note: many of these people are in the media and are scumsucking liberals.) Two-thirds went Obama, one-third went McCain.

HUH?

A lot of them said that, as Democrat as they are, something about Obama didn't sit well with them. And, a couple said point-blank that it was because he's black. I don't think a lot of people will vote for McCain becase Obama's black, but if two or three percent do and the IBD polls are right, Barack's got a real problem.

I also think that the Liberal Media Effect may hurt Obama. I tend not to take any poll that has AP or CBS or New York Times seriously, because they skew the hell out of the results. They poll 13 to 15 percent more Democrats than Republicans to make sure the polls fit their view that the GOP candidate is a despised slapdick who has no chance, while the noble Democrat is cleansed with the air of inveitable victory. The idea is to upset Republicans and keep them at home, while Dems come out the push their boy over the edge.

It tends not to happen that way. An excellent piece that the missus found yesterday (http://www.earthfrisk.com/blog/?p=104) points out how the polls tend to miss badly in favor of the Dems.

Bush-Kerry '04: Polls indicate Kerry lead by 4 points. Bush wins by 2+.
Bush-Gore '00: CBS/NYT Poll has Gore up six day before the election. Each guy gets 48 percent of the vote.

In 1996 and 1992, Clinton had leads of 22 points over Dole and 12 over 41 late in the game. Clinton won by 9 and 5 percent, with Ross Perot screwing up everything.

Is it enough for McCain to win? I really don't know. I still don't think so. BUT, it's close enough that Republicans should go out in droves to vote (which gallup says is happening early -- Obama's ineveitable lead seems to not be there, as the early vote totals are split 50/50).

If Obama somehow loses, it will be classic to see the heads of the morons on TV collectively assplode (except on Fox, of course, where they'll be drilling shots of Jager. Can't wait to see Fred Barnes do that).

Get a (Second) Life

Ok, this is just as ridiculous as it gets. Only in Japan.

TOKYO — A 43-year-old Japanese woman whose sudden divorce in a virtual game world made her so angry that she killed her online husband's digital persona has been arrested on suspicion of hacking, police said Thursday.

The woman, who is jailed on suspicion of illegally accessing a computer and manipulating electronic data, used his identification and password to log onto popular interactive game "Maple Story" to carry out the virtual murder in mid-May, a police official in northern Sapporo said on condition of anonymity, citing department policy.

"I was suddenly divorced, without a word of warning. That made me so angry," the official quoted her as telling investigators and admitting the allegations.

The woman had not plotted any revenge in the real world, the official said.

She has not yet been formally charged, but if convicted could face a prison term of up to five years or a fine up to $5,000.

Players in "Maple Story" raise and manipulate digital images called "avatars" that represent themselves, while engaging in relationships, social activities and fighting against monsters and other obstacles.

The woman used login information she got from the 33-year-old office worker when their characters were happily married, and killed the character.

The man complained to police when he discovered that his beloved online avatar was dead.

The woman was arrested Wednesday and was taken across the country, traveling 620 miles from her home in southern Miyazaki to be detained in Sappporo, where the man lives, the official said.

The police official said he did not know if she was married in the real world.

23 bottles of Yuengling in the fridge, 23 bottles of Yuengling..

There are very, VERY few things about Texas that disappoint me (t.u. and tech notwithstanding). In fact, the two biggest are really minor: the lack of really good pizza and the inability to obtain Yuengling lager.

For those of you unfamiliar, Yuengling is the oldest beer continually produced in America. It's made in Pottsville, Pa., and is very popular in the northeast and mid-Atlantic states.

I consider it, simply put, to be the nectar of the Gods. In fact, I'd put it up there with Ziegenbock (a purely TEXAS beer, Yankees. You wouldn't understand).

But, like most Yankees, the makers of Yuengling are scared by success and won't ship it further south than North Carolina. God knows, I've tried to find out why -- people in the know (i.e. Spec's) say they've tried to get it, due to popular demand, but no luck. Won't ship it here.

Note to Pennsylvania people: if this is your way of getting back at us for el Presidente George W., get over yourselves. If it's some kind of retaliation for the Civil War, I would remind you that you ship it to states that killed a lot more Pennsylvanians then Tejas did. And if this is an anti-Cowboy thing...well, we hate them too.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand.

We just got back from Virginia and D.C., where they have Yuengling. I only went in to one grocery store the whole time, and that was a Wal-Mart in Richmond. And, then, even then, I went in to get cold medicine.

But, something drew me to the back. And, lo, like the Ark of the Covenant, there it was -- A CASE OF YUENGLING.

I promptly scooped it up, sniffled my way to the front, paid for it and put it in the truck. We took it from Virginia to Mississippi, transferred it to our car, then drove it back to Texas. Yesterday, when I was unloading the car, the case of beer was the second thing that I took out.

I got it into the kitchen...where the sides of the case tore apart, pulling it from my hands. A loud crash was heard.

And, if you're thinking that all the beer shattered after an 1100 mile trip, YOU'RE WRONG. In the category of "Proof that there is a God," not a single one broke. All 24 made it into the fridge. Of course, I drank one last night, but that's to be expected.

I have no idea how I'm going to work this, considering that I have 23 left and won't be going up into Yuengling-land again for another three months or so. But I'll find a way to spread the wealth--maybe by having a Ziegenbock or two.

It's a Texas thing, Yankees. You wouldn't understand.

A tale of two fuzzy dogs

Most of you know that the missus and I have three dogs. For those of you who don't know, we have Sonny the Pug, Ripken and Deuce.

Sonny the Pug is...a pug, obviously. Ripken and Deuce are both "fuzzy dogs." Rippy is, we think, a cairn terrier/standard poodle mix. He's big. Deuce is a silky terrier. He's small. They're both rescue dogs.

Ripken and Deuce, though we didn't get them at the same time, are pretty much inseparable.

This is Rippy:


And this is Deuce, with his mommy:


We got Rippy nearly three years ago, when he was an abandoned, beat up little puppy. He has since become the sweetest dog you've ever met, not to mention incredibly intelligent. He is, by universal acclaim, wonderful.

We got Deuce at my insistence last July, after the death of my family silky, Martin, at the age of 16. After he passed, I remembered that Martin was a kind, caring dog who doted on his people. Unfortunately, I forgot that he could also be an unmitigated son of a bitch when he wanted to. Deuce is every bit Martin's equal in both categories, if not his better. In fact, he probably would have made a terrific sexual predator had he been a human.

This past week, both were in "Puppy Prison" in Brookhaven, Mississippi while Mommy and Daddy went to Virginia, D.C. and Tennessee. More on that later. They stayed in Brookhaven because their daddy's a cheapass and learned that it cost less than half of what it would have cost to board them here to board them under the watchful eye of the in-laws. So we did.

Yesterday, we picked them up. They were both brought and were very happy to see their people.

Then the vet looked at the missus and I and said, "What kind of breed is Ripken?"

"We don't know," the missus replied. "We were hoping you'd be able to tell us. You're the experts."

"Well, it's just that Ripken's the most wonderful dog I've ever seen," he replied, looking down at the happy, yet obedient Rippydog. "He's so special. He's kind, and sweet and just makes everyone happy. I'd love to get one just like him for my kids."

We all understood. In the meantime, Deuce is up on my head, trying to figure out whether he could jump the desk if he got a real good boost.

The vet looked at him, in passing, and said, "Bye, Deuce."

We got that too. If we ever want to end the War on Terror, I'm sending Deuce to bin Laden with the following note: "Dear asshole: Take care of the Silky. Hurt him and we nuke the entire region. If you can't handle him, surrender and we'll take him off your hands."

The war would be over in a week.

A critique of Madonna's divorce case

The London Daily Mail, doing a service to all mankind, has published some of the "ammunition" Madonna intends to use in her divorce case against Guy Richie (who?). Comments follow each point.

*They include allegations that he told her she 'looked like a granny' on stage compared with her younger backing dancers. Editor's note: She doesn't look like any granny I've ever seen. Most grannies with cellulite, varicose veins, bleached blond hair and facial hair have the common sense to stay home, not have their ass hanging out of their spandex outfits onstage.

*He is also alleged to have declared that she could not act, and was 'past it' after she turned 50. Editor's Note: Guy, she never "had it." She's sucked (literally and figuratively) for decades. And you're right; she can't act. When Cindy Crawford, Kathy Ireland, Denise Richards and Kate Capshaw can look at your work and say, "Damn, you suck," you do.

*Her lawyers say that 40-year-old Ritchie's comments made Madonna feel worthless, unattractive, unfeminine, insecure and isolated during their eight-year marriage.
I can't say much about the insecure and isolated parts--save "WAAH" and "sniff sniff, smells like bullshit"--Madonna IS worthless, unattractive and unfeminine.

So, Madonna lawyers, if that's the best you've got, back to the ol' drawing board. And strike the pose.

To my al Qaida and Taliban readers

Salam alekum!

Does this look familiar, my friends?



Yours in Christ Jesus,
The Aggie

15 years later...

In 1993, I graduated from the Episcopal High School in Alexandria, Va. It was one of the happiest days of my life, because I'd never be forced to go back to that Goddamn dump ever again. I went on to Lehigh and A&M and am very proud to say I'm an alum of both places, but I rarely if ever mention my affiliation with that high school.

Since we're up in Virginia on vacation, I took my wife and mother-in-law up there to see it. Campus is different, but one thing hasn't really changed: I hate it.

Really, it has nothing to do with the campus itself; it's really pretty. Some of the faculty and staff were very good to me. But, by and large, it's a miserable memory -- to the point I have repeated nightmares about being back there and having to pass a math class.

It's the people I went to school with that I despise. And, to an extent, that includes me.

I was an utterly mal-adjusted kid who grew up in Saudi Arabia and lived a relatively sheltered existence. I was an utterly naive guy who thought the best of people and tried really hard to get people to like me.

I was going to school with a bunch of poor little rich kids who considered themselves (and, who knows, maybe they are) southern aristocracy and knew how to manipulate and abuse their "lessers."

I fit into that category. I was the kid from overseas who's daddy didn't make nearly enough money, wore a gray blazer and wasn't much for underage drinking (at the time).

Frankly, they considered me to be a subhuman piece of shit and treated me as such. I'm sure they'll be thrilled to know that I consider them to be the same, then and now. But there were a lot more of them then there was of me and they made my life hell for three years.

I was deemed a foreigner, not a real American, and a geek. It didn't really matter that I was a better athlete than 95 percent of them. I took all kinds of abuse, to the point where some of those ratfuckers decided it'd be a real hoot to tell me my parents had been killed during the first SCUD attack on Saudi Arabia during Desert Storm.

They helped take me from naive and optimistic to jaded, cynical and pessimistic in a mere three years. It took a few special people at Lehigh, a few more at A&M, in Huntsville and Albany (the missus especially) to dig me out of this self-destructive mindset.

It was only this morning that I really came to grips with what the EHS experience had meant to me. If it hadn't been for the Aggie experience, and others, that showed me the value and basic decency of real people, that experience would have been summed as such: destroyed life.

So, the next time I get a letter from my "friends" who graduated the same year I did, reminding me that it's time to "give back" to EHS for all the wonderful experiences we had there, I may have to return to campus again.

And take a whizz.

Oh yeah, I missed again, uh huh (or, how I predict worse than Baghdad Bob)

Wow, what a shitty weekend.

Not the weekend itself, mind you -- just that every prediction I made football-wise (see below) was WRONGWRONGWRONG.

A&M over K-State? Nope.
Oklahoma whips the miserable sips? Nyet.
The Redskins win? Haha.
The Giants? Nada.
LSU over Florida? One small miss for man, one giant fuckup for mankind.

How embarrassing. Especially when you consider that, at one time, I was as good as there was in the world.

Seriously.

Back when I was at A&M, Peter King, the fat name-dropping liberal from Sports Illustrated, was connected to the old CNNSI.com's "Beat the Experts" pickoff game. So was their resident curmudgeon/anti-Redskins jackhole "Dr. Z," some other SI employees, and likes of William Shatner.

"Imagine -- ME. Picking. Games on a Web site. Spock!"

Anyway, back to the pickoff game. They were all my bitches. All of them. It wasn't close.

A quarter-million other people were also POWND! by yours truly. I never won a single week outright or went perfect, but I noticed in about Week 14 of what I think was the 2000 or 2001 season that I had strung together weeks with 12, 13 or 14 wins for about two straight months.

I looked at my ranking overall, thinking I might be in the top 1000 or so and it said, "9 out 268,547" (or something like that. I know I was 9th).

The last few weeks of the season went on and, one by one, the people in front of me fell. I got to the last week of the regular season and I was in 3rd place. In fact, if I could pick up one game on the dudes in front of me, I would win the whole thing!

The prize: DIRECTV FOR LIFE. FREE.

"Imagine -- ME. With free DirecTV! NFL. Sundayticket! BONES!"

Sorry.

Anyway, moving on. Full slate of games, of course, and I gave it my usual 45 seconds of serious thought. Except one game: NY Giants at Dallas.

So, here it is. Take the better Cowboys and get the win, or take the Giants and the upset?

Well, this is simple, right? The Cowboys are at home. They play well at home.

I picked the Giants. I couldn't bring myself to pick Dallas, ever.

And, of course, I finished third in the world.

So what'd I get? A computer football game, which promptly crashed my system. Coincidentally, my prognosticating has never been the same since.

I blame that fat liberal Peter King. But, remember this, Pete: One season, eight (or seven) years ago, you were my bitch. So was Dr. Z.

Mark's Football picks for the weekend

Home teams are in all caps.

COLLEGE:
A&M 31, K-State 28
Oklahoma 42, texas 20 (played in Dallas)
MISSOURI 49, Oklahoma State 28
LSU 17, FLORIDA 10
Penn State 23, WISCONSIN 13
TEXAS TECH 56, Nebraska 10
USC 27, Arizona State 13
BYU 34, New Mexico 6
GEORGIA 24, Tennessee 3
Purdue 16, OHIO STATE 13
Vandy 16, MISSISSIPPI STATE 10
Utah 34, WYOMING 6
Boise State 35, SOUTHERN MISSISSIPPI 28
KANSAS 20, Colorado 13
AUBURN 12, Arkansas 0
UNC 22, Notre Dame 19
NORTHWESTERN 20, Michigan State 16
BALL STATE 43, Western Kentucky 20

NFL:
WASHINGTON 36, St. Louis 13
INDIANAPOLIS 17, Baltimore 14
MINNESOTA 28, Detroit 10
NEW ORLEANS 31, Oakland 20
Chicago 17, ATLANTA 13
JETS 24, Cincinnati 20
Carolina 20, TAMPA BAY 10
Miami 24, HOUSTON 21
Jacksonville 28, DENVER 27
Philadelphia 17, SAN FRANSISCO 6
Green Bay 24, SEATTLE 13
ARIZONA 31, Dallas 28
SAN DIEGO 13, New England 10
GIANTS 24, Browns 10

Pacman Jones should banned from the NFL (or, why Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is a disgusting scumbag)

Some of you (maybe many of you) have heard of Adam "Pacman" Jones. Jones is a cornerback for the Dallas Cowboys and used to play for the Tennessee Titans.

He's also a piece of human refuse. That's the nice way of putting it.

Jones is in Dallas after a one-year suspension from the NFL. He was banned for the 2007 season after he was involved in multiple run-ins with the law, including a heinous one in Las Vegas during NBA All-Star weekend in 2006. Jones went to a strip club and decided to "make it rain," then punched out a stripper when she tried to pick up some of the money he was throwing around.

When Jones was tossed from the club, one of his posse shot a bouncer, paralyzing him from the waist down. Jones eventually copped to a pathetically weak offense, one that the Clark County District Attorney should be ashamed of (come on, dude, you got O.J., put you can't get Pacman?).

The night before he was supposed to plead his case before NFL Commissioner Roger Goddell in an attempt to avoid a suspension, Pac want to -- you guessed it -- a New York strip club.

Buh-bye, Pac. Tennessee, who has a class act in Coach Jeff Fisher, kicked his ass to the curb, suckering Jackass Jerry Jones into actually trading for him. Thus, Jones ended up where all good pieces of crap should play: Dallas.

Trying to keep him out of trouble, the Cowboys assigned four bodyguards to Pacman, giving him round-the-clock protection (from himself). That great idea exploded Monday night/Tuesday morning when an allegedly drunk Pacman punched out someone in a Dallas hotel bathroom.

That someone? ONE OF HIS BODYGUARDS.

No charges were filed, even though the bodyguard was an off-duty Dallas Police officer. Jones left the Max Payne premiere party he was attending without paying his tab after the fight, certainly hoping to keep the incident out of the headlines.

Yeah, nice try, Pac.

So here's a guy who's in firm possession of the highly sought after label of "biggest jackass in the NFL", punching out a guy on the Cowboys payroll. So what does Jerry Jones, who has told Pacman (ok, actually, anyone with a microphone or a notepad)that he wouldn't get any second chances, do?

NOTHING.

Well, that's not true. Actually, Jones has gone out of his way to minimize the severity of the situation, trying to make it out like they were just playfully jostling around, like kids will do.

Riiiight.

After assembling a team in the 90s that was the biggest bunch of human filth to collectively wear pads since..well, the Cowboys of the 70s, JerruhJones has tried very hard to improve his reputation and make sure those Cowboy teams are remember for Troy and Emmitt and three rings, not Charles Haley jacking off in film sessions (seriously) or Michael Irvin snorting anything white. But he's showing his true colors with this deal.

Jones coddled the Irvins, Nate Newtons and Erik Williamses of the world because they won. That's why he coddled Terrell Owens and Pacman now. He doesn't give a rat's ass about "doing the right thing," he just knows that Terrence Newman isn't going to play this weekend, Kurt Warner and the Cardinals are going to look to bomb the Cowboys like the Nazis hit London during the blitz and Pacman has to be out there.

Punishment? Screw that! We're behind the Redskins and Giants already!

JerruhJones has tried to pretend that he gives a damn about "the right thing" and the reputation of the league. If he did, Pacman's ass would be on a curb right now. Instead, Jerruh and the gutless Wade Phillips are going to let the whole incident slide, no matter the embarrassment to the whole league.

Too bad for them that some guy named "The Commish" (and not of the More Taste League) has the ultimate hammer. And it will almost certainly fall on Pacman -- and he'll need more than 50 cents to get back in the game.

The Aggie's kinda, sorta, polite rebuttal to Hank Steinbrenner's latest stupid comment

Everyone who knows anything about baseball has heard of George Steinbrenner, mad emperor of the Yankees. As the end of the road nears for King George, he's delegated most of the team's ownership responsibilities to his sons, Hank and Hal.

Hal seems to be a pretty sharp baseball mind. Hank, on the other hand, is as big of a blowhard as his daddy was 30 years ago.

To celebrate their ascension to power, the Yanks promptly missed the playoffs for the first time in 13 years. That led Hank to fire off this brilliant missive:

"The biggest problem is the divisional setup in Major League Baseball," Steinbrenner wrote. "I didn't like it in the 1970s, and I hate it now. Baseball went to a multi-division setup to create more races, rivalries, and excitement. But it isn't fair.

"You see it this season, with plenty of people in the media pointing out that Joe Torre and the Dodgers are going to the playoffs while we're not. This is by no means a knock on Torre—let me make that clear—but look at the division they're in. If L.A. were in the AL East, it wouldn't be in the playoff discussion. The AL East is never weak."

Hank says that the four best teams, regardless of division, should be in the playoffs. Of course, you guessed it, the Yanks had the fourth best record in the AL this year. And, in a conversation with a Yankee fan who considers himself to be knowledgeable on the sport, I heard a spirited defense of his argument.

My response is, and shall remain, thus: WHOOP-DE-FRICKIN-DO.

Here's why Hank and Yankee Fan's argument is spurious, poorly conceived, and flat out stupid:

YOU CAME IN THIRD IN YOUR DIVISION. No team who plays bitch to two other teams in their division should be talking about how they got jobbed out of the playoffs. The Yankees were eight games back of the Tampa Bay Rays and six behind the Red Sox, who won the wild card. They didn't get jobbed, like the Astros--they didn't do what they needed to to get into the postseason. So shut up and do your work.

They have those division thingies for a reason. How do the Yankees win championships? They buy them (or, at least, attempt to. When they listen to their GM, they do much better). One of the ways they make a who boatload of bucks is through their outrageous TV contracts. The Yankees make more through their local deals than other teams do through the national contract, which is broken down by team. And they don't make more by a little--it's a HUGE differential. To the point that the Yankees have their own network.
How does this affect Hank's stupid idea? Simple. The division breakdown means teams play other teams in their same geographic location (unless you're the Braves and playing in the old NL West, which was stupidity personified). This means that games start at 7:05 or 7:35 in whatever time zone you're in, at least 2/3 of the time. Take away the divisions and it's a mad scramble, with teams like the Yankees playing a lot more games in the central and western time zones than they would otherwise. Later starts, like 9:05 or 10:35, means less viewers. Less viewers means less revenue. Less revenue means...well, you don't buy C.C. Sabathia.

THE BEST RECORD DOES NOT MAKE YOU THE BEST TEAM. Yankee Fan bitched and moaned about the injustice of it all, how the Yankees were plainly superior to teams that get hot, make the playoffs and then go on to win the World Series.

Uh...THAT'S THE POINT. If you're the best team in October, then you get that World Series thing. And the idea that the best record = best team has already been proven farcical, as both the Cubs (he he he) and Angels are DEAD. The Angels played in a pathetic division and crushed it all year, only to take gas in the ALDS. The Cubs got out to a huge lead, avoided the Brewers until the last weekend of the season and got Bud Selig and Drayton the Jackass McLane to agree to move the Astros series to Milwaukee post-Ike, meaning they didn't face a challenge when they were starting to stumble. The Dodgers, who Hank and Yankee Fan scorned, proved to be more than a challenge--they were superior.

Oh, and one other thing: the players association would never agree to such an utterly moronic idea as the one pitched by Hank/Yankee Fan.

If Hank and Yankee Fan hate the concept of divisions so much,then let's take it back to the days of the American League and National League. No divisions, just two leagues. The winners of the league play for the World Championship.

Oh, in this case, that would have been Angels-Cubs. Never mind. Still no Yankees. That's what happens when you come in THIRD IN YOUR DIVISION. Quit your bitching, Hank; it's pathetic and unbecoming of an evil emperor.

Everyone shed a tear for Holly Madison

It has just crossed the wires at The Mark Up Global Conglomerate that gold-digging trollop Holly Madison has been exiled from the bed of Emperor Palahefner.

This is tragic news, because it can only mean one thing: another unemployed surgically enhanced fake blonde bimbo carting around an ego and a bad attitude. For those of you who don't know, little Miss Madison had used her alleged ability to suck a golf ball through 40 feet of garden hose and her ability not to shriek at a geriatric male unit to take over as art director of Playboy.

Now that Palpahef is looking at other ass (oh, the other girls dumped him too), it's certain that she'll be looking for another job.

And what is she qualified to do? Take off her clothes and...what? She's undereducated, unintelligent and a snot! The horror of it all--another Hollywood Ho with no future! We must change society at once!

(Or, she could try something like going to college or screwing another rich old guy. Either/or.)

And, in just in case you were reading this, Holly darling: no, you can't be the art director of The Mark Up. My wife would kick your ass.

A recap of last night's presidential debate, in short form

McCain: "My friends...my friends..."
Me: "Can you say anything else?"

Obama: "Some of you may remember the tragedy of 9/11..."
Me: "WHO THE F**K CAN FORGET, YOU POMPOUS JACKASS?"

The rest of the debate: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.....

Note to Tommy Brokaw: You've had a nice run, but it's time to go. Buh-bye.
Oh, wait...the replacement options include Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews? TOMMY, COME BACK!

Donovan McNabb is fat. His intellectual prowess is listed as questionable.

Yesterday, one team that can rightfully be in the conversation on the best team in the NFL played in Philadelphia. One team, with the exception of the first five minutes of the game, got its butt kicked all over the place. Donovan McNabb is the quarterback of one of those teams.

Someone needs to inform Mr. McNabb that he is the quarterback of the Philadelphia Eagles, not the Washington Redskins. They also need to tell him he's a fat tub of goo.

After the game yesterday, Mr. McNabb informed the assembled media that he was "embarrassed" that his team had lost the past two weeks to the Chicago Bears and, yesterday, the Redskins.

"There’s no way you can look at this game – not to take anything away from them, but there’s no way that this team was better than us," he sniffed.

Yes, tubby, I can. And so can hundreds of thousands of other people.

For one thing, the Eagles have made a living off of a stout defense. The Redskins beat that defense up so badly yesterday, particularly on the ground, that the abuse could have been considered a felony in 37 states. Joe Gibbs was watching somewhere yesterday and smiling as the Redskins manhandled the Eagles front seven to the tune of 203 yards rushing, then defended Jason Campbell against the blitz perfectly.

The Eagles, on the other hand, had less than 60. Good teams don't leave games with less than 60 yards rushing, especially when the opponents are missing three defensive starters.

In crunch time (Not NESTLE'S CRUNCH time, Donovan), the Eagles sucked. They were 5 for 12 on third downs, a pitiful conversion rate (which would have been anemic if you take away their three-for-three on their first drive). On a gotta-have-it third and short on the Redskins 2, the Eagles screwed up the play call then were dropped for a three-yard loss.

Good teams know where to line up. Good teams get the yards they need to win. The Redskins got 4 yards on a 4th and 2 to close out the game. The Eagles can't do that.

The Redskins dominated time of possession. How'd they do that? Two ways: they pounded the Eagles defense into oblivion and then some scrub couldn't keep the Philly offense on the field. Who was that? Mr. Chunky Soup (and buffet) himself, McNabb.

If Donovan McNabb wants to throw rocks at people for the Eagles virtual elimination from the NFC East race five games into the season, he ought to throw a boulder at the mirror. His performance, as much as anything, is why his team can't compare to Washington or the Giants.

Outside of the first possession yesterday, McNabb was pretty pathetic. His numbers seem ok: 17-29, 196 yards, no TDs or INTs -- but they're misleading. 40 of those yards came on one play, when the Redskins forgot to touch Reggie Brown down on a six yard completion, so he got up and ran for 34 more. Take that away and McNabb is 16-28 for 156 yards, or 9.75 yards per completion. That's not going to get it done when you're getting less than 60 yards on the ground.

McNabb's the playmaker, allegedly. He didn't make a single one Sunday. Instead, he threw a lot of balls behind receivers or too close to the sideline, then did the Peyton Manning-esque "WHY'D YOU F**K THAT UP?" sigh and hand wave.

Uh, Donovan: Peyton can do that because he is, in the words of the infamous Hitler spoof, PEYTON F**KING MANNING. And he can do it because the receivers screwed up the route or dropped the ball, not chucked a brick five feet behind them and expected them to stop, spin around and bail their sorry asses out.

McNabb used to kill the Redskins by getting out of the pocket and running when containment broke down. He didn't do that once yesterday; he was as mobile as the Rocky statue that used to be outside the Vet (and I have no idea where it is now). Maybe it's because he looks like he should be a tight end instead of a quarterback, and simply CAN'T run anymore. Maybe he's not fully recovered from tearing up his knee a few years ago, but there's no reason in the world a QB should be out there at, allegedly, 240 pounds. With the gut he has hanging over his pants, that's a generous weight. Maybe 260 would be closer to the truth. Whatever; he's fat and immobile.

Que the Redskins, Giants and Cowboys defenses going "WHEW". Also que the whole Redskins franchise laughing at McNabb's stupid comments from yesterday.

Your team is inferior to the Redskins, McNabb. And you're a big part of the reason. Put down the doughnut and take a big ol' bite out of reality.

The Ike Chronicles: Photos of damage to homes in Pearland, TX

It's been three weeks since Ike came to visit and there are an awful lot of people still suffering from severe damage to their houses. The missus and I went around the other day and took pictures of some of the hardest hit houses in the Southdown and Countryplace subdivisions. For a better look, click on the pictures; they'll expand.



This house here is actually four down from ours. It gives you a pretty good idea of how lucky we got when it comes to minimal damage.








Blue tarps seem to be the most en vouge, as you can see here. Some houses, like the
one on the left, have already gotten roofers to start repairing their damage. And, as evident in the foreground, carpet companies are also making a killing.





These wild and crazy kids went with the green tarp. Like their neighbors below, they also went with a lot of damage to the inside of their house, too.





These folks here live in the front of our subdivision, an area that got shredded by the high winds.

But, there is some humor to be had: any one interested in a really discounted camper?

Yeah, but he wasn't good enough to pitch in Pony League

In my former life as a reporter and just through dumb luck, I've met some pretty famous people. They include:

Two presidents
The leader of a defunct nation (Gorbachev)
A half-dozen Senators, including one guy named McCain that I've known for nearly 20 years
A buttload of congressmen
The current Secretary of Defense, who is a severe badass
Over a dozen baseball hall of famers
A Heisman Trophy Winner (John David Crow, '57)
At one point, nearly all of the Houston Astros

And I'm on a first name basis with the current governor of Texas. He calls me "Markie," I call him "Governor."

I also played in the Little League and Senior League World Series. But I never knew, or played with, someone who made it to the bigs...well, before they made it to the bigs.

But my little brother has.

When my brother was 13 or 14 and before he decided baseball was a foolish pursuit for the bourgoise, he was on a 13-year-old league or Senior League team in Round Rock. It didn't take long to figure out that the coach of said team was not only a moron, but was only coaching to pimp his kids. His kids were really nice, but had no chance of having a real life. Their mommy and daddy had decided they were going to be sports superstars and, in the offtime, would be male models and TV stars.

Seriously.

So the two boys were the starting pitcher and shortstop. Either through jealousy, hatred or outright reverse bigotry, the coach shunned some of the more talented players. Since I was between Lehigh and going to A&M, I figured I'd go help during practices. After all, I had more baseball knowledge and ability in my big toe than he had total--which is not a boast of my prowess. The guy was just dumb as a brick.



There was one pretty tall kid who was left-handed and wanted to pitch. Daddy Coach barred him from even going near the mound for fear he might actually be good.

So, I took this kid, John Danks, aside and let him throw. There's no doubt of two things: his folks had already been working with him and he should have been on the mound. Period.

So I'm catching this kid, helping with the most general of crap because I was a hitter, not a pitcher, and I'm noticing something: this kid's not bad. In fact, he's good! You don't call a 14-year-old "filthy," but his fastball had a cutting motion that I'd never seen before at any level.

"Hey, you need to keep this up," I said. "You could have something here!"

After a couple of practices, Daddy Coach and I threw down. He accused me of usurping his "authority," and I told him he was a dumbass who needed to be banned from coaching because he didn't have the best interests of his team in mind. I also recall calling him a "low life piece of garbage," a "moron" and a few other tactless things.

Thankfully, the kids heard none of it. But I didn't go to any more practices or games. In fact, I forgot about the whole thing.

Until about four years later, when John Danks, a pitcher from Round Rock High School, was drafted ninth overall in the MLB draft by the Texas Rangers. The Rangers, being the geniuses they are when it comes to pitching talent, traded Danks to the Chicago White Sox for a pitcher named Brandon McCarthy, who revealed himself to be an Edsel shortly after the trade.

John Danks, on the other hand, threw a two-hit shutout through eight innings the other night to get the White Sox into the playoffs. For the most part, he was throwing that filthy fastball that breaks down on a right handed hitter.

But he couldn't pitch for Daddy Coach's team. Not good enough.

So what happened to Daddy Coach? Apparently he infuriated a lot of other people, too, because he was banned from coaching in any Round Rock baseball OR soccer league. I heard he ended up moving to Dallas to whore his kids out up there. Neither made it to the majors.

That's not what they meant

The Ike Chronicles: A nice day to put up fencing

Note the trees missing leaves. That's not from autumn temperatures. Oh, and enjoy the fencepost in the foreground. Yes, I am inside posting this. I have an excuse: I hammered my hand again.

The Ike Chronicles: Hurricane in haiku

Remember, kids, all hiaku are done in 5-7-5 format.

Cat 2 no big deal
Storm as big as Mexico?
Peace out, you bitches

Eye moves a bit north
Thanks for sparing Pearland, Ike
Sorry Bolivar

What the hell happened?
Southdown gets the big hammer
Neighbors missing roofs

Dear Centerpoint dudes:
Please give us our power back
Wait, it’s on right now?

Mayor says nothing
Storm surge wipes out Galveston
Nice work, you dummy

I had a nice house
Still do, but now have no fence
New dogs on our porch

Must rebuild the fence
Hammer hand 86 times
Damn I hate this job