Keepin' it regular

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve had really severe heartburn. Bad enough that I’ve had chest pains, which led me to the doctor’s office. He said that a lot of it was stress related, but he wasn’t quite sure if he could eliminate diet.

Ok, I didn’t like this guy a whole lot for a few reasons when he walked in the door – one major reason being it was 70 minutes after he was supposed to. He also looked and acted like he’d just gotten back from a real nice evening at Studio 54, if you get my meaning. So, when he said he thought my diet might be a problem, I started to get pissed off.

Allow me to explain: my junk intake is way down. I have something fried about once every two weeks, avoid fast food like the plague, don’t eat nearly as much between meals and have even cut down on my portions. Hell, I don’t even drink much beer anymore. I’ve lost 22 pounds over the past 18 months and, while I still need to lose a LOT more, progress is being made.

So I got ready to tell him to take a flying leap. Then Mr. Night at the Roxbury says that it’s not how much I eat, it’s something that is inflaming my digestive system, which, along with severe stress and anxiety, is causing my heartburn.

Ok. But what am I eating that causes this?

I mean, all I eat during the day is a bowl of Special K, a small thing of Yogurt, a Special K protein bar and a small lunch. Pretty tame, right?

Nope.

I noticed that a lot of the discomfort started after I ate the protein bar. Couldn’t figure that out, considering I have no problem with chocolate. The yogurt should help, but it doesn’t.

Well, today I looked at the fiber count of the protein bar. It’s 20 PERCENT OF YOUR DAILY ALLOWANCE! The Yogurt is that Dannon Activa stuff, which is only 70 calories. However, it’s also “good for your digestive health.”

In other words, it keeps you regular.

In other words, it makes sure you shit. A lot.

I discovered all this after eating TWO of the protein bars this morning (got out of the house late and didn’t eat breakfast) and the yogurt.

I’ll finish this after I get back from the bathroom.

Yes, I believe Sonny's fine

The last couple of days have had their fair share of melodrama in our household. Outside of the early arrival of little Phoebe (more on her on Momma Pug’s blog), we woke up the other day to find that Sonny The Pug couldn’t move. More precisely, he couldn’t get his hind legs to work.

I didn’t want to think about it, but I knew that if it wasn’t what I thought it was – Hip Displacia (which is ironic, because I honestly didn’t know what the hell that second word really meant) – it could have been curtains for Mr. Sonny T. Pug. That was one thing that would be unfathomable.

Yeah, well, anyway, Momma Pug took him to the vet. Long story short, he’s got some problems, including arthritis, but with some medication he’s just fine. Actually, he’s more rambunctious than I’ve ever seen him.

How rambunctious, you ask? Well, how about pulling another stunt that shows how routinely this pug beats the odds.

Keep in mind, Sonny is supposedly deaf. The vets say they can’t find any eardrums in the old boy and that we should use hand signals. Momma Pug and I both know better, because as soon as he hears the filling of a food bowl, he’s hauling ass towards the kitchen like the German Army towards Paris. Still, he’s “deaf.”

Yesterday, I was heading home from work and called Momma Pug, who had gotten off earlier and was already at the casa. After a couple of minutes, she said, “hold on, I’m putting you on speaker so you can talk to Sonny.”

She did, and I said hello to the pug. Momma Pug said he responded to it with by opening his eyes real wide in surprise, then sniffing and licking it.

“Talk to him some more,” she said.

I said another word or two, then heard a CLOMP. The I heard Sonny’s heavy panting breathing and what I figured was the shuffling of his feet. Then I heard Momma Pug screaming at him in the background.

WTF?

Well, it turns out that Sonny had heard my voice and wanted to get his dadduh out of the little pink box. So he snatched out of Momma Pug’s hand and ran into the bedroom with it. I remained connected all the while. It was hilarious.

Momma Pug didn’t think it was funny when she saw all of the pug drool over her phone. She says that Sonny’s being more of a bastard now than he was when we got him, and that’s just fine by us.