No Clone Wars for me

For those of you who know me, this admission will not come as a surprise: I am a Star Wars junkie. This, however, may come as a bit of a shock – Star Wars: Clone Wars opens tonight at the movies and I have no interest whatsoever in seeing it. Not tonight, not tomorrow; not ever, really.

You read that right. A guy who knows all the lines from the original trilogy (ALL OF THEM), still has the R2-D2 that was his favorite toy when he was 2, the guy who is seriously considering calling his firstborn son Luke, has a Darth Vader bobblehead on his desk and is referred to by one of his friends/coworkers as “Vader” has no interest in seeing this alleged “movie.” A guy who will actually sit and watch Episode I when it’s on TV and can find some redeeming value in parts (only parts) of Episode II has no interest in seeing this flick.

Sorry, Hayden Christiansen, your acting is so incredibly shitty that not even I will make an excuse for you. Give it up.

Anyway, back to my point. No Clone Wars for me. Why? The reason is simple.

George Lucas is an egomanic who has lost whatever creative touch he has and has become the author/director laureate of suckdom. A few years ago, Matt Stone and Trey Parker (also huge Star Wars junkies) told Jedi George that the new movies ate a big shitburger. He was not amused. But the thing is, they were not only right, but the movies are evidence of Lucas’ descent into either insanity or mediocrity. Examine:

If anyone else had come up with Jar Jar Binks and thought he was a good idea, that “creative genius” would have been institutionalized. Not ol’ George; he makes him a major part of not only the first movie, but the guy who starts the destruction of the republic by proposing Palpatine be granted emergency powers in the second. Let’s stop here for a second – we have some horrible, HORRIBLE people representing us in the Congress (take a bow, Nancy, Harry, Ted Stevens), but NOBODY, NOWHERE, is going to be dumb enough to elect someone clumsy enough to screw up a wet dream who sounds like Rastafarian that just swallowed helium to represent them!

Anakin Skywalker, in the first trilogy, had these sweet lines: “I find your lack of faith disturbing”; “When I left you, I was but the learner. Now I am the master”; “Impressive. Most impressive” and “You have failed me for the last time, Admiral.” What do we get in the new trilogy? “WHEEE!” and “I HATE YOU!” Yep. I can see that whiny, juvenile ass becoming the scourge the galaxy. Give me a few more shots of Jagermeister and I’ll think Obi-Wan’s CGI-creation buddy who owns a diner on Coruscant (A DINER ON CORUSCANT? WTF?) was a good idea too.

George made Jimmy Smits, one of my favorite actors of all time, stiffer than Lenin. That takes some doing.

Jimmy Smits had more life to him than Samuel L. Jackson (also known as the Second Smoothest Motherfucker Alive Behind Billy Dee Williams) did. Sam Jack looked like he had sat on an eight-inch wide tack the whole time. He didn’t even get to die right. The man who made “Snakes on a Plane” almost watchable and rocked in “Black Snake Moan” didn’t get to show any depth, much less use the word “motherfucker”. IN THREE MOVIES.

Obi-Wan has to chase down General Greivous, the most feared entity in the galaxy, even though he’s a robot with tuberculosis (another WTF?). So what do we see? Obi-Wan, in the middle of a highly advanced planet with machines all around him, chasing after Grevious ON A LIZARD. What’s next, the Jedi charging into battle on Geonsis on stallions? Jesus Herbert Walker Christ.

Misused Christopher Lee, also known as Count Dooku and the Man with the Golden Gun. If you’re gonna waste a Sith Lord, do it with style. Or have Roger Moore put a bullet in his ass with a Walther PPK. That’ll make my wife happy.

Oh yeah, he wrote this latest shitty Indiana Jones movie. WARNING SIGNS. BIG WARNING SIGNS.

I read today that Lucas was actually pissed off that the director of the Empire Strikes Back, one of the 10 best movies ever made, added a darker, more psychological edge to it than he had originally intended. If that’s the case, the Ewoks shouldn’t have been the first indication that he was losing his mind.

But George Lucas is officially off the reservation. He’s saying current politicians would make great Jedi, acting like they actually exist. He thinks this blocky cartoon animation looks good, when it looks like some Japanese kid put it together in between sessions of getting their rocks off watching Charlize Theron in “Two Days in the Valley.” And he really has started to believe he’s smarter and more creative than everyone else.

Problem was, he was smarter and more creative than everyone else when he didn’t think he was. Now, he’s just a shell of his former self. Sort of like Anakin Skywalker, if you think about it. But don’t, because that will remind you of Hayden Christiansen, and he sucks too.