Add one job, subtract another

Last Wednesday, I was hired by a Fortune 500 (hell, the way things have been going for them, they may be a Fortune 5) company to do some very nice-paying work for them. On Friday, the Fortune 50,000 company I had been working for canned me.

Let's get something out of the way here immediately: I was not fired for poor performance. In fact, I was told as much. I was fired because my shithead boss (henceforth referred to as SHB) hated my guts.

I don't know particularly why; it was just very, very apparent. He never had anything to say to me unless it was negative, even though SHB tries very hard to give the impression that he's a nice, laidback guy who loves everyone.

You know, sort of like Attila the Hun loved everyone.

Anyway, SHB hated me. He took no small amount of pleasure in informing me that I didn't work hard, calling me a "fucking 8 to 5 guy." Of course, SHB never did take into account the fact that I was usually at work 30 to 45 minutes before him, worked
through lunch (he'd never know, because he was off at 90 to 120 minute suckup/fuckoff fests) and didn't spend another two hours of my day verbally fellating potential clients who largely considered me to be a fraud. He also didn't like the fact that I would surf the Internet during the work day, largely because I had accomplished what I needed to do. Of course, he does the same thing, but what is good for the SHB is not good for the peon.

So, Friday afternoon, I get the call into the big boss's office. Big Boss is not there; he never is when someone gets fired. This ought to tell you something about Fortune 50,000 Company; their leadership doesn't lead and can't take the heat when it's brought on them. In fact, I noticed that Big Boss actually has a "panic button" which can close and lock his door from the inside to prevent people from getting in. That's having faith in your employees, right there.

Anyway, I walk in and see the HR lady in there. Well, I know they're not going to ask me about the weather, so I just start laughing. SHB does not like this, because you could tell from the look on his face that this was gonna be as good as jerking off to Skinamax on Saturday night. I said, "Say no more. Let's be done with this."

"Oh, no, let's sit down and talk," SHB says.

Seriously? You haven't had time to talk to me in a fucking month, you farcical excuse for a human being.

(An aside: SHB apparently recognizes, to some extent, that he is an SHB. About four months ago, he called a meeting and asked all the employees under his "direction" to write a job description so he could look at it and discuss it with each employee, one-on-one, later. "Later" never came. In case you were curious, part of SHB's biggest problems is in absolute inability to keep track of anything going on around him.)

"Talk about what?"

"Well, I got the feeling that you knew this was coming."

Uh, yeah. When you avoid me like I have Herpes Simplex 10 and glare at me any time I do make eye contact with you, it's a pretty good indication that you want me gonegonegone.

So then he tries the soft, political tact. "Uh, well, you know, sometimes things don't work and personalities don't mesh," he says, making a locking motion with his hands.

Uh, I'm not gonna play Cat's Cradle with you, asshole.

"You know, sometimes personalities are a problem."

"Yes, you have a personality problem," I responded.

He didn't like that. I liked the fact that he didn't like that.

So they tried the hemming and hawing, trying to get me to beg for my job or cry or something so SHB would get some satisfaction out of me.

"Well, hopefully you won't be out of work long and you'll learn something from this."

"Oh, I think I'll be just fine, thanks, and don't you worry about little ol' me," I said, leaning back in the nice leather chair. "And I've learned a lot of how to deal with people."

At that point, the discussion was over. And damn if he wasn't mad about me not getting upset.

Well, sorry, SHB, I got another job working half the hours -- think about that, 8 to noon! -- making the same amount of money. And I don't have to deal with you.

A four hour work day. I think that's what SHB puts in between 8:45 and 7. Someone should have a talk with the old boy.