A reason to vote for McCain

For those of you who don't know, John McCain and I know each other. We've known each other for about 16 years now (I think). The relationship, if there is one still left, is...well, frosty. In fact, I don't like him personally.

But I think I'll vote for him. Especially if things like this keep happening:
"If McCain is elected, I think I'll leave the country. I might move to Italy or Canada."--Susan Sarandon.

Now that's motivation, right there, to vote Johnny Mac. But this got me to thinking--what would it take for me to do more than just vote for McCain? So I made up a scorecard:

To get me to convince Momma Pug to vote McCain Tim Robbins has to leave the country too. Neither can ever come back, much less make a movie.

To get me to convince my dad to vote McCain Alec Baldwin has to leave the country. Same rules apply, and no 30 Rock, either.

To get me to convince my leftist grandmother to vote McCain Donald Trump must set himself on fire. I want to see the hair explode from all the product in it.

To get me to donate $25 to his campaign McCain must waterboard Keith Olbermann. And he must do it on the O'Reilly Factor.

To get me to donate $50 to his campaign McCain must kill the entire cast of Grey's Anatomy. Except Patrick Dempsey; he's cool.

To get me to donate $100 to his campaign McCain must watch the entire Sex in the City movie. Then hunt down Sarah Jessica Parker and make her pay for her crimes.

To get $500 McCain must LAYETH THE SMACKETH DOWN upon Michael Moore. I mean, backhand the tub of lard, make him cry like a little baby and make him sing God Bless America.

To get $1000 McCain must tell Madonna that, since she now uses an English accent, she's no longer American and has to get out. Now.

If he kicks Suge Knight's ass, I'll be his personal bodyguard.